Mother of a Man-Child

My life with teenage boys

25 Rules for Mums with Boys April 20, 2012

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This week’s post is for my friends and readers who have sons.  Such is the wonderful world of blogging that I came across this post via another WordPress blogger http://aspellbindingexistence.wordpress.com/2012/04/12/24-rules-for-moms-with-sons/ and then made my way to the original source and blogger http://studerteam.blogspot.com.au/2011/11/25-rules-for-mothers-of-sons.html.  As a mother of two sons, I loved both versions of “rules” and felt compelled to share them with you.

Enjoy.  I know I did.  It gave me cause to pause and think about the wonderful role we have as mothers in the lives of our sons (even though they don’t always show their appreciation).

I have reposted the original blog post below.

© Tabitha Studer http://www.studerteam.blogspot.com Nov.2011
25 Rules for Moms with Sons
November 2011

After a mostly fruitless search for “rules” for mothers with sons (and a particularly hard momma day), I was inspired to write my own list to remind myself of what’s important, especially during those days that being a mom to an ever-squirming, ever-curious boy is both challenging and exhausting. Granted, my list will not be conclusive and may not be entirely uncontroversial. So agree, or disagree, or take with a grain of salt – but I hope to inspire other moms who are loving, and struggling, and tired, and proud, and eager to support the boys in their lives. You are the most important woman in his life, his first teacher, and the one he will look to for permission for the rest of his life. From “Can I go play with them?” to “Should I ask her to marry me?” It’s a big job, but as the mumma, we’re up for it.

1. Teach him the words for how he feels.
Your son will scream out of frustration and hide out of embarrassment. He’ll cry from fear and bite out of excitement. Let his body move by the emotion, but also explain to him what the emotion is and the appropriate response to that emotion for future reference. Point out other people who are feeling the same thing and compare how they are showing that emotion. Talk him through your emotions so that someday when he is grown, he will know the difference between angry and embarrassed; between disappointment and grief.

2. Be a cheerleader for his life
There is no doubt that you are the loudest person in the stands at his t-ball games. There is no doubt that he will tell you to “stop, mom” when you sing along to his garage band’s lyrics. There is no doubt that he will get red-faced when you show his prom date his pictures from boy scouts. There is no doubt that he is not telling his prom date about your blog where you’ve been bragging about his life from his first time on the potty to the citizenship award he won in ninth grade. He will tell you to stop. He will say he’s embarrassed. But he will know that there is at least one person that is always rooting for him.

3. Teach him how to do laundry
..and load the dishwasher, and iron a shirt. He may not always choose to do it. He may not ever have to do it. But someday his wife will thank you.

4. Read to him and read with him.
Emilie Buchwald said, “Children become readers on the laps of their parents.” Offer your son the opportunity to learn new things, believe in pretend places, and imagine bigger possibilities through books. Let him see you reading…reading the paper, reading novels, reading magazine articles. Help him understand that writing words down is a way to be present forever. Writers are the transcribers of history and memories. They keep a record of how we lived at that time; what we thought was interesting; how we spoke to each other; what was important. And Readers help preserve and pass along those memories.

5. Encourage him to dance.
Dance, rhythm, and music are cultural universals. No matter where you go, no matter who you meet – they have some form of the three. It doesn’t have to be good. Just encourage your son that when he feels it, it’s perfectly fine to go ahead and bust a move.

6. Make sure he has examples of good men who are powerful because of their brains, their determination, and their integrity.
The examples of men with big muscles and a uniform (like Batman and LaMarr Woodley) will surround your son from birth. But make sure he also knows about men who kick a$s because of their brains (Albert Einstein), and their pen (Mark Twain), and their words (Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.), and their determination (Team Hoyt), and their ideas (The Wright Brothers), and their integrity (Officer Frank Shankwitz), and fearlessness (Neil Armstrong), and their ability to keep their mouths closed when everyone else is screaming (Jackie Robinson).

7. Make sure he has examples of women who are beautiful because of their brains, their determination, and their integrity
The examples of traditionally beautiful women (like Daphne Blake, Princess Jasmine, and Britney Spears) will surround your son from birth. But make sure he knows about women who are beautiful from the inside out because of their brains (Madame Marie Curie), and their pen (Harper Lee), and their words (Eleanor Roosevelt), and their determination (Anne Sullivan), and their ideas (Oprah Winfrey), and their integrity (Miep Gies), and fearlessness (Ameila Earhart), and their ability to open their mouths and take a stand when everyone else is silent (Aung San Suu Kyi).

8. Be an example of a beautiful woman with brains, determination, and integrity.
You already are all of those things. If you ever fear that you are somehow incapable of doing anything – remember this: If you have done any of the following: a) grew life b) impossibly and inconceivably got it out of your body c) taken care of a newborn d) made a pain go away with a kiss e) taught someone to read f) taught a toddler to eat with a utensil g) cleaned up diarrhea without gagging h) loved a child enough to be willing to give your life for them (regardless if they are your own) or i) found a way to be strong when that child is suffering…you are a superhero. do not doubt yourself for one second. Seriously.

9. Teach him to have manners
because it’s nice. and it will make the world a little better of a place.

10. Give him something to believe in
Because someday he will be afraid, or nervous, or heartbroken, or lost, or just need you, and you won’t be able to be there. Give him something to turn to when it feels like he is alone, so that he knows that he will never be alone; never, never, never.

11. Teach him that there are times when you need to be gentle
like with babies, and flowers, and animals, and other people’s feelings.

12. Let him ruin his clothes
Resolve to be cool about dirty and ruined clothes. You’ll be fighting a losing battle if you get upset every time he ruins another piece of clothing. Don’t waste your energy being angry about something inevitable. Boys tend to learn by destroying, jumping, spilling, falling, and making impossible messes. Dirty, ruined clothes are just par for the course.

13. Learn how to throw a football
or how to use a hockey stick, or read music, or draw panda bears (or in my case alpacas), or the names of different train engines, or learn to speak Elvish, or recognize the difference between Gryffindor and Slytherin, or the lyrics to his favorite song. Be in his life, not as an observer but as an active participant.

14. Go outside with him
turn off the television, unplug the video games, put your cellphone on the charger, even put your camera away. Just go outside and follow him around. Watch his face, explore his world, and let him ask questions. It’s like magic.

15. Let him lose
Losing sucks. Everybody isn’t always a winner. Even if you want to say, “You’re a winner because you tried,” don’t. He doesn’t feel like a winner, he feels sad and crappy and disappointed. And that’s a good thing, because sometimes life also sucks, no matter how hard (as moms) we try to make it not suck for our kids. This practice will do him good later when he loses again (and again, and again, and again, and again…..) Instead make sure he understands that – sometimes you win – sometimes you lose. But that doesn’t mean you ever give up.

16. Give him opportunities to help others
There is a big difference in giving someone the opportunity to help and forcing someone to help. Giving the opportunity lights a flame in the heart and once the help is done the flame shines brighter and asks for more opportunities. Be an example of helping others in your own actions and the way your family helps each other and helps others together.

17. Remind him that practice makes perfect.
This doesn’t just apply to performance-based activities (like sports and music) but also applies to everything in life. You become a better writer by writing. You become a better listener by listening. You become better speaker by speaking. Show your son this when he is just young enough to understand (that means from birth, folks – they are making sense of the world as soon as they arrive), practice trick-or-treating at your own front door before the real thing. Practice how you will walk through airport security before a trip. Practice how you order your own food from the fast food cashier. Practice, practice, practice.

18. Answer him when he asks, “Why?”
Answer him, or search for the answer together. Show him the places to look for the answers (like his dad, or grandparents, or his aunts/uncles, or his books, or valid internet searches). Pose the question to him so he can begin thinking about answers himself. Someday, when he needs to ask questions he’s too embarrassed to ask you – he’ll know where to go to find the right answers.

19. Always carry band-aids and wipes on you.
especially the wipes.

20. Let his dad teach him how to do things
…without interrupting about how to do it the ‘right way.’ If you let his dad show and teach and discover with your son while he is growing up, someday down the road (after a short period of your son believing his dad knows nothing), he will come to the realization that his dad knows everything. You will always be his mother, but in his grown-up man heart and mind, his dad will know the answers. And this will be how, when your son is too busy with life to call and chat with his mom, you will stay connected to what is happening in his life. Because he will call his dad for answers, and his dad will secretly come and ask you.

21. Give him something to release his energy
drums, a pen, a punching bag, wide open space, water, a dog. Give him something to go crazy with – or he will use your stuff. and then you’ll be sorry.

22. Build him forts
Forts have the ability to make every day normal stuff into magic. Throw the couch cushions, a couple of blankets, and some clothespins and you can transform your living room into the cave of wonders. For the rest of his life, he’ll be grateful to know that everyday normal stuff has the potential to be magical.

23. Take him to new places
Because it will make his brain and his heart open up wider, and the ideas and questions and memories will rush in.

24. Kiss him
Any mother of sons will tell you that little boys are so loving and sweet. They can be harsh and wild and destructive during most of the day. But there are these moments when they are so kind and sensitive and tender. So much so that it can cause you to look around at the inward, reserved grown men in your life and think, ‘what happens in between that made you lose that?’ Let’s try to stop the cycle by kissing them when they’re loving and kissing them even more when they’re wild. Kissing them when they’re 2 months and kissing them when they’re 16 years old. You’re the mom – you can go ahead and kiss him no matter how big he gets – and make sure he knows it. p.s. (this one is just as important for dad’s too).

25. Be home base
You are home to him. When he learns to walk, he will wobble a few feet away from you and then come back, then wobble away a little farther and then come back. When he tries something new, he will look for your proud smile. When he learns to read, he will repeat the same book to you twenty times in a row, because you’re the only one who will listen that many times. When he plays his sport, he will search for your face in the stands. When he is sick, he will call you. When he really messes up, he will call you. When he is grown and strong and tough and big and he feels like crying, he will come to you; because a man can cry in front of his mother without feeling self-conscious. Even when he grows up and has a new woman in his life and gets a new home, you are still his mother; home base, the ever constant, like the sun. Know that in your heart and everything else will fall into place.

So there you have it.  25 rules (give or take a few).  I think these apply equally well to young boys as well as my own teenagers, but perhaps I should write 25 Rules for Mothers of Men-Children?  Although Celia Lashlie did a great job already.  I wrote about her book some time ago.  He’ll be okay.

Let me know what you think about the above?  Do the rules resonate with you?  Do you have your own to add?  Now go and give your son a huge hug and tell him you love him! 🙂

 

The Challenge of Happy Holidays for Everyone? April 13, 2012

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As the men-children get older, holidays become increasingly challenging.  Not surprisingly, their idea of a good time is not one or two weeks spent with Mum and Dad and their younger sister.   Of course the incentive of an exotic destination can hold a fair bit of sway naturally!

As we planned out our holidays this year, a couple of key considerations came into play:

  • The men-children are now in Year 10.  Gone are the days you can take them out of school to travel in off-peak times, something we regularly did when they were in primary school.  Their younger sister on the other hand is only in Grade 3.
  • The men-children want to spend NYE with friends this year.  You would recall our decision last year to have the boys in Sydney over New Years for a family holiday – I don’t think we were too popular, but hey, shit happens.
  • The holiday destination of choice for the boys is the Victorian coast over summer.  That part of the coast that is the most expensive beach side real estate in Australia, and that seemingly 4 million Melburnians flock to in order to queue for coffee, the newspaper, car spaces etc.  Aaargh!
  • A family trip flying anywhere on the East Coast of Australia remains relatively cheap, but contemplate the West, or outside Australia, and the airfares alone set us back at least $6,000 and that’s before we’ve even set foot in another country.
  • Both boys had a week in Perth for the rowing national championships recently (part holiday, part sport), and one just returned from the Tiwi islands following a school footy trip (again part holiday, part sport).   They haven’t exactly missed out on much have they?

baliSo as we set about planning, a few realisations planted some seeds that led to a possible solution.  Father of a Man-Child and I travelled to Bali a few years back for his 50th.  We had a week there (without children) and it was quite frankly a brilliant holiday.  We’d love to take the kids back to Bali, but one look at the cost of airfares during the school holidays (a mere 250% increase on the “off-peak” fares) and that idea was out.

We also looked at the cost of renting a house in said popular beach destination, and discovered that we would pay at least $3,500 per week for a house in the area we wanted that could accommodate us and a few extras.  That’s $7,000 to be an hour from Melbourne, and spend your holiday with a gazillion other people.  Yikes!  I had to laugh, as one of the Men-Children also did some of his own web surfing to find some suitable properties.  He found a stunning place, with pool, divine deck, great house, and a good price he thought.  Yes, that is a good price – $2,000.  PER NIGHT!!!!  Like I said, we’re not talking cheap here.

So the solution you ask?  Well we presented it to the boys the other night.  We explained the options, the cost considerations, and the proposed approach.   And they agreed.  We would take Sister of a Man-Child to Bali with us for a week, during school term.  A short break for us during the depths of winter, at an affordable price (me trying desperately not to get too excited in front of them).  And yes we will do plenty of shopping for them – we all love a good fake!  Then two weeks at the beach over summer, in a house large enough to cater to their friends staying also, and over NYE (I shudder at the thought) so they can be where it’s all happening.  Fair enough we thought.  We get one holiday designed for us, they get one holiday designed for them.

Now please don’t get me wrong, I would love to take the boys to Bali, but the cost is just prohibitive, we can’t afford to do it all, and they need to understand that money does not grow on trees, and that you can’t have everything you want when you want it.  So tell me, is that fair?  Have we done the right thing?  I know it will only be two years before they are 18 and they can travel where they want, but I guarantee a free holiday (especially overseas) will still hold appeal to a cash-strapped student so who knows what we might plan or afford in the next few years?

In the meantime, I can plan our little Bali trip with glee, and then start looking for a bargain holiday house.   Maybe the boys will learn what the words “beach shack” actually mean?  LOL.  Or there’s always the caravan park, but one year when I mentioned that as an option, the look of utter disbelief from one of them was enough to make my hair curl.  Yep, spoilt!

We did survive our trip to Sydney last year with the boys over New Years – but not without some angst, as you can read here in Teenage Torture Techniques.

You can also read about the “Best Holiday Ever” with the boys at Hamilton Island last year, proving you can still have fun with teenagers.

 

Sometimes they surprise me April 6, 2012

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It is possible for the men-children to surprise me sometimes.  I am never surprised at the mess they can leave in their bedrooms, or their bathroom.  I am never surprised at the amount of food they can consume and an hour later still eat dinner, and I am never surprised when they argue and whine and throw a tantrum when they don’t get their way.

But just occasionally, when you least expect it, they can surprise you in the most unsuspecting way.  As you know we now have two new rabbits, Hazel and Squeak.  We haven’t yet managed to freeze them on a cold night, or starve them, or frighten them to death, so I guess we’re doing something right.  Sister of a Man-Child is naturally loving having them, and provides them with lots of attention every morning and evening.  And I’m pretty sure the men-children sneak out there on a regular basis to see them too.  The girlfriend of Man-Child II adores them.  Even a friend of the boys the other day was interested in them, but I think he held back because he didn’t want to be a 16-year-old boy fussing over rabbits.  I am going to make a point of encouraging all of them to play with the rabbits – it’s good for them and a bonus for the rabbits.  It’s funny how we stop doing things because we don’t think we can behave like a child anymore isn’t it?

carrotsThe other night Sister of a Man-Child and I were late home, which means Hazel and Squeak’s dinner was late!  When I arrived home, one of the boys was already home.  He casually yelled down the stairs that he had fed the rabbits, given them water and also some cabbage.  WOW!  He actually did something for someone else!  He was actually motivated to do something for another person (or in this case animal) that wasn’t directly for his benefit.  I thanked him graciously, and thought to myself it’s true – having a pet does teach children about the responsibility of caring for someone else.  I can only assume that he went out to visit them, and noticed their empty bowls and took it upon himself to feed them.  Hooray.  I wonder if I put the rabbits in his bedroom would he tidy it up?

Mind you, the same man-child doesn’t notice everything?  He asked me the other day where his father and brother were – I said away.  Blank look, followed by “I didn’t know they were going anywhere”.  To which I smugly replied “Well if you were ever at home or joined us for dinner occasionally then you’d know what was going on wouldn’t you!”  He seriously asked for that one!

Anyway, bring on more pleasant surprises.  I hope he continues to feed the rabbits when needed.  Somehow I’m doubtful I’ll convince him to clean out their cage on a weekly basis – although he might if I offer to pay!!

 

 

New additions to the family March 30, 2012

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Well we did it. We finally succumbed. I never thought we would, but we are now the proud owners of two rabbits! And like all good decisions, we wonder why we didn’t do it sooner.

Like all youngsters, the men-children always wanted a pet, specifically a puppy, which of course eventually grows into a dog. Like all practical parents, we always resisted having a pet, knowing that we would end up being the ones who walked it, fed it, took it to the vet, etc etc. Also with access to a beach house, we were often away on weekends, and the idea of having to either transport said pet or arrange to have it looked after on weekends or every time we went on holidays just seemed to be more pain than it was worth.

Father of a Man-Child had a dog when he was young, so was definitely pet friendly. The only “pet” we had as kids was the mice we bought home from school and kept in the laundry for a weekend of babysitting. I am sure my mother hated having mice in the house. And if I’m honest, I probably wasn’t the biggest animal fan, most likely as a result of being bitten by a dog and a horse as a child – there’s bound to be psychological scars from that aren’t there?

So it was naturally a surprise for the men-children when Sister of a Man-Child arrived home the other day to tell her brothers she was getting a rabbit! Their first reaction was disbelief, followed by a comment that they never had a pet so how come their sister was allowed to? 16 years old and sibling equality is still an issue. To be honest, it was a surprise to me that we had agreed ourselves. And it wasn’t even a planned decision.

Mini Lop rabbits We had visited friends the night before, whose rabbits had recently had a litter. Now even the most cold-hearted person couldn’t resist being charmed by a litter of five small rabbits – soft balls of fluff hopping around with the owner’s dog protectively herding them. They were too cute. Naturally, 8-year-old Sister of a Man-Child instantly fell in love with them, and wanted to own one. And in talking to our friends, we realised that if you were to own a pet, a rabbit is pretty low maintenance, and also fun to play with, in a way that a fish isn’t! And since the beach house is no longer, and the Men-Child’s sporting commitments seem to dictate our every move, we really don’t go far anyway. Moreover I had already earmarked a neighbour with a young son who I am hoping will just LOVE to feed our rabbits when we go on holidays. 🙂

We are now the proud owners of Hazel and Squeak, two Mini Lop rabbits (a dwarf variety particularly good for smaller children) that have been an instant hit with the family. We decided to get two so they could keep each other company – apparently it makes them healthier and happier (oh and the pet shop richer)! Our daughter adores them, the men-children have also embraced them with open arms, and even we are enjoying them. On their first night we were all so worried that they would get cold outside that the hutch came into the laundry – soft touches! They’re also a hit with any visitors (and future babysitters)!!

Our daughter is learning to care for them, and understanding the responsibility that comes with feeding, exercising and housing a pet. All good lessons for a child. And even though the boys are 16, I know they’re also coming home from school and checking on the rabbits. You’re never too old to love a pet.

One week in and the joy of the new additions to our family remain. Let’s hope the novelty doesn’t wear off, and that Hazel and Squeak have a long, happy and healthy life.

 

Are we breeding spoilt teenagers? March 23, 2012

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Teenagers are an interesting breed.  They can be sweet, pleasant, almost enjoyable at times (especially when they want something from you), and then turn in a nano-second and become horrible, hormonal, angry ants, who lose all rationality, typically when they don’t get what they want.  Sound familiar?  Yep, just like a toddler really.

Just a few weeks ago I recall writing that the boys seemed to be turning a corner…..growing up at last….coming out of the woods!  I think I also mentioned some expected set-backs along the way.  You may now call me Nostradamus!

You see our boys can indeed be very charming, provided they get what they want.  Money, a lift somewhere, money, permission to go to a gathering or have someone stay, money, food and drink supplies on tap.  Just stay clear if you plan on saying no or not giving them what they want when they want it.

Lately we are asking ourselves if we have spoilt the men-children too much?  They wanted their Learner’s licence recently, so Father of a Man-Child was convinced to pick them up from school one lunch time and take them for their test, before returning them to school.  Nice VIP service isn’t it?  The same day, just as I pulled into the driveway from work, we got the call to pick them up from a rowing dinner.  So my dinner waited whilst I played taxi service.   They really don’t want for much, although I don’t think we’re a soft touch very often either.

carHaving just got their Learner’s permit (yes I know, fearful times), they are understandably excited.  We however, are understandably not, and suggested that a few driving lessons might be in order to give them some good grounding before they jump in our cars for their first “test drive”.  The ensuing tantrums would have made a 3-year-old with ADHD proud, except I don’t think a 3-year-old has quite the vocabulary of our charming sons.  “We have been waiting SIXTEEN years to drive a car” stated one.  “We’ve driven cars plenty of times” they both claimed.  Now I know one has experienced a small amount of farm driving, but for the life of me I have no idea when his brother did, which leaves far too much to the imagination.  And a determination to never leave the car keys at home if we’re not.

Strangely enough, they are aghast at the idea of having driving lessons.  They think they’ll learn NOTHING.  Hmmm, any wonder that males under 25 are so well represented in the road accident statistics.   An hour-long argument raged with both boys and their father last night over this.  It was quite frankly ridiculous, and made us even more determined to stand our ground.  We promised to get the lessons organised pronto.  It will make no difference to them getting their licence when they turn 18. They just have to learn to wait a few days – sadly something Gen Y aren’t very good at it seems.  I know one of mine especially has an expectation that if he wants something he can get it instantly.  And let’s face it, with online 24/7 you practically can.  Except driving lessons!

So lovely readers, are we being too mean?   Are we being kill joys, and not sharing in their excitement?  Or are we being sensible parents who care about the safety of our own children (and ourselves for that matter)?

As I write this blog I have however had a sudden flash of brilliance.  We have two very early morning runs to school for rowing in the next two days, giving us two perfect opportunities to let two very eager young hoons loose on the road.  Thankfully it’s a very short distance, and we’ll be lucky to see another car on the road.  That’s just how a very nervous Mother of a Man-Child will like it. 🙂

 

Last week we had the build up to the Learner’s permit:  Beep, Beep, Learner Alert.  And we  have experienced our share of power struggles before:  The Parent-Child Power Struggle.  

 

Beep, Beep. Learner Alert! March 16, 2012

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L PlateThe boys are now 16 as you know.  Which means they can now get their L-Plates, or “Learners”, i.e. a permit to allow them to sit behind the wheel of a car and DRIVE!  Gulp.  I don’t remember being 16 when we got our L-Plates.  Help me friends – weren’t we 17?

Naturally there was enormous pressure to get their L’s on the day of their birthday – but thankfully with Rowing Nationals immediately after their birthday it was just too hard to organise and we just couldn’t get them to Vic Roads.  So it will be next week – a whole two weeks after their birthday (you would think we made them wait TWO YEARS the way one of them carried on).

As you can imagine, I am just thrilled at the prospect of being a passenger with a 16-year-old man-child driving.   One of the boys tells me his mate got his licence and drove the car home straight from Vic Roads – What!!  The same one got all excited about driving us to rowing up at Nagambie in a few weekends.  Not on your Nelly I said.  It’s a two-hour drive, with your grandfather, me and your father in the car, and your brother’s girlfriend.  I don’t think so!  Let’s get a few kms (like more than two) under your belt before we go for the long distance drive.

He rightly predicted that I will be the panic-stricken mother every time one of them drives, and that Father of a Man-Child will be as cool as a cucumber, with complete faith in their driving skills.  To be fair one has done a bit of driving on a friend’s farm – let’s hope he can still remember what he learned.

I assume the reason they now get their L’s at 16 is so they have plenty of time to clock up the mandatory hours before they can get their full probationary licence, a practice I fully endorse.  For the twins, I’ve already enquired to find out about getting their mandatory hours reduced, on the basis there are two of them, and it will take us a long time to get them the hours they require.  It’s quite legit to apply apparently, provided you can demonstrate you have made as much effort as possible to get a lot of hours logged for each of them.

Yes, I know, some of you will be saying why did you let them know about the get-out clause, what a great excuse to keep them “practising” for years!  There is upside and method in my madness – when they have their licence, we can call on them to drive us around – they get the hours now, we get a cheap taxi later.  Bring it on!

So, anyone up for offering them driving lessons? 🙂

The boys started talking about getting their licence six months ago.  Read more here: Men-Children in motor cars – yikes!

 

Happy 16th Birthday Boys! March 9, 2012

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twins

Just over 16 years ago, our darling men-children were born.  Two gorgeous little bundles of joy that had spent 37 weeks in rather cramped quarters it’s fair to say.  Any wonder they sometimes don’t like each other’s company!

I can still remember the day I found out I was having twins.  I was alone at the hospital for the scan, being the typical pragmatist.  Don’t fuss, you go to work (future) Father of a Man-child, I’ll be fine etc.  And of course I was fine, having breezed through the early part of the pregnancy feeling absolutely amazing, not a day of morning sickness, and at 18 weeks no signs of anything unusual.

Back then it was perfectly normal to have your first scan nearly half way through the pregnancy – so you can imagine my shock when they said “The first thing we need to tell you is there’s more than one in there!”  And before my brain could even register what they were saying “It’s twins”!!!  Oh-My-God.  My immediate thought, followed quickly by tears, was of my Mother, who 30 years before me, had learned the exact same news – that she too was to be the mother of twins (yes me and my sister).   Tears because sadly she was not there to share the news, and to swap the countless stories about being pregnant with twins, mothering twins, adoring and loving twins.

I made the call to (future) Father of a Man-Child from the obstetrician’s waiting room, still reeling in shock.  Thankfully he was absolutely thrilled, which helped me recover somewhat.  He thought the idea of getting two at once was “fantastic”.   I then went to work, and shared the news with everyone there.  The irony was not lost on any of them, especially since the day before I had mentioned the forthcoming scan and told them jokingly “all bets are off if there’s more than one in here”!!!!  With the number of twins in our family it’s fair to say it wasn’t a completely unimaginable event, but still a shock nonetheless.

I rang my Father and sisters that night to tell them the news.  I still remember Dad laughing (knowingly) and telling me how wonderful it was of course, and probably also sharing the same sense of deja vu about my mother.  And the call to my twin sister, which went something like this:  “Shit, Shit, oh shit, shit…shit, shit…..(hysterical laughter) shit!”  That was she, not me!

We were blessed with a wonderful pregnancy, a good birth (even though an unexpected C-section), and textbook babies.   They really were amazing from day one – good feeders, sleepers, and eaters, achieving all the milestones every baby should.   As parents, it really was twice the joy (and about 1.5 times the work of one baby for those who are wondering).  As parents we really couldn’t ask for more, except seven years later of course, when our darling daughter arrived as a little surprise package.

So Happy Birthday boys! I can’t believe how quickly the last 16 years have passed.  To watch you both grow into fine young men-children (with a few bumps along the way as this blog reveals) has been a privilege and an honour.

Love Mother of a Man-Child xo

Here’s one of the few stories about our early life with the men-children:  The Holiday from Hell, the only bad one we’ve ever had.

 

 

Hats off to my rowers – they’re amazing! March 2, 2012

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rowersAs most of you would know the boys selected rowing as their summer sport once given the chance.  They begin their rowing “careers” at the end of Year 7, or the start of a season.  So this is their 3rd season now.  To be honest, I haven’t seen much of their rowing, mainly due to other time commitments.  When they first start, it’s mainly training on the river outside their school, getting used to the idiosyncrasies of skulls (boats) and learning the tricks of the trade.  By Year 8/9 they progress to regattas, their first taste of competitive rowing, and by Year 9/10 it’s hit the serious end of rowing (there’s a strong parallel to academic life it has to be said).

The last time I saw the men-children row was a school only mini “regatta” with some short races to show the boys new-found skills off to their proud parents.  Then they were whisked off each week to regattas on the school bus (thankfully) and our task became the early morning taxi service.  Which was just as well, because when you’ve got Sister of a Man-Child with commitments each weekend (sadly full-time working parents have to cram it all in on a Saturday), it becomes difficult for parents to be in two places at once.

For those who don’t know, trust me the rower’s life is not an easy one.  Early morning starts (5.30am to be at school by 6), at least 3 mornings a weeks for the juniors, escalating to more than 7 training sessions a week for the seniors.    In fact the boys training regime this season seemed almost too much in my view – I really thought their coach had become quite obsessed with the boys performance and was potentially pushing them too hard.  They had no rest day, training sessions with some of them throwing up from the effort, and school holiday training regimes that made Biggest Loser camp look like a walk in the park!

Last weekend we finally got the chance to attend a regatta, as it was thankfully in Melbourne and ran into the afternoon (all other commitments with Sister of a Man-child then complete).  Sadly it was also a sweltering 38 degrees in Melbourne, but wild horses weren’t stopping me and my new digital SLR camera from being bank side to watch the boy’s row.  We knew they had actually been performing very well of course, with both boys in the 10A team, but we didn’t realise until we saw them just how good they actually are!

The first row past on the water they were just heading down to the start line for one of their races.  I threw a casual hello (yes, embarrassing mother that I am) but they didn’t even flinch.  Such was the intensity and focus on their rowing I doubt they even saw me and my father standing watching them.  We both commented on our surprise at their absolute concentration, but minutes later as we watched them row, all was revealed.  They are amazingly good.  Their coach has produced an incredibly disciplined, focussed, dedicated, and well-oiled machine of 8 young men, who together have become an unbeatable crew.  Such is their success, they are beating other crews their age by 4 boat lengths, and even beating some Year 11/12 crews.  No wonder the school are sending them to compete in the National Championships in Perth next week.

Father of a Man-Child and me (and the boy’s grandfather) have a new-found respect for the boys, and their coach.  It’s clear he knew exactly how much he could push them, and he has certainly got the results.   Of course success is certainly a brilliant motivator for all.  We were delighted to be on the river that day watching them, and thrilled and proud to have both our boys in the limelight.

It’s not every day you have twin boys rowing together, although it does happen.  The irony of them sitting one behind the other in the boat is not lost on me – no-one watching them would know that they fight and argue at home and sometimes could kill each other, yet are forced to sit so close in a boat! It’s perfect really.  And I have no doubt that looking back they will enjoy the fact they did this particular sport together.

There is one other upside of rowing, apart from keeping them fit.  It’s true what they say – the demands of rowing keep them out of trouble.  They still have a social life, but it’s definitely tempered by their training and regatta commitments.  I know for a fact they seriously curtail their drinking (yes of alcohol) during rowing season – that’s music to a mother’s ears.

I hope the boys enjoy their taste of success – the medal haul is impressive, every regatta brings home yet another, and I hope they enjoy their time together – I’m sure they will look back with fondness on their time spent rowing.

Here are my earlier reflections on the sport of rowing, which was all very foreign to me then.  Row, Row, Row your boat.

 

The Men-Children Really Do Love Me! February 24, 2012

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birthday cardI celebrated a birthday recently.  The best bit about the day wasn’t the presents (which I’d shouted myself anyway), or turning a year older (definitely NOT a highlight), or the warmth of birthday wishes from friends and colleagues (you’ve got to love Facebook for reminding them all don’t you), it was the birthday cards that my family gave me.

  • The always-thoughtful card from Father of a Man-Child.  I swear he missed his calling – he should have worked for Hallmark.  Every card he writes for me (or someone else for that matter) always seems to say just the right thing, injected with genuine warmth and emotion that brings a tear to your eye, and words that cause you to stop and reflect on your life.
  • The gorgeous home-made card from Sister of a Man-Child, whose excitement was palpable, even days before.   “Mum, what’s your favourite colour?  Is it green, and yellow?”.  Of course I told her knowingly.  And on the eve of my birthday, almost bursting with pride: “Can I PLEASE just show you the front cover of your birthday card Mum”.  Patience won!
  • The wonderful card from Man-Child I , “long” by his standards (although he’s an amazing writer, I don’t think he enjoys the very personal stuff much), telling me I’m the best Mum he could have, and thanking me for everything that I do for him.  Perfect!  In a moment you forgive everything of a child when they say this.
  • And last but not least the surprisingly mature card from Man-Child II, talking about his own attitude as he grows up, and the fact that he is enjoying the company of his parents more and more, and doesn’t mind spending time with us.  And of course loves his mother, and all that she is.  This attitude change is a turning point for an adolescent, and really does represent a shift in the parent/child dynamic, an indication that we’re on the way to “coming out the other side” with at least one of the boys.

I know, you’re thinking gee, what will Mother of a Man-Child write about if they turn into nice people?  Don’t worry, they’re still adolescents.  One beautiful card doesn’t mean the trouble is over……

My wonderful day ended as it should with a simple dinner out with our children.  Pizza and pasta provided the perfect opportunity for the boys to carb up ahead of yet another rowing regatta, and Sister of a Man-Child was in gelati heaven, just proving that you don’t need a fancy restaurant to enjoy a night out and the simplest things in life can bring you much happiness.

Here’s to the next birthday – I can’t wait to relive the joy and love I felt on that day in another year’s time.

 

 

High Expectations? February 17, 2012

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salad rollA teenagers needs are pretty basic.  Feed me, clothe me, drive me, fund me, and leave me alone!  Simple really.  Oh and read my mind constantly.

So unfolded a conversation with one of the men-children on Monday morning at 6.30am that is pretty indicative of how “adolescent” they can sometimes be.

The first thing that popped out of his mouth:  “Did you make the sandwiches I asked for?”  Actually he asked his father for a certain variety, not me.  So no, I didn’t make them, because I didn’t know, and by the way he was pretty lucky that a Year 10 boy was still having his sandwiches made for him.  What are we, a tuckshop?  No we’re just parents with boys who are rowers who recognise how important their food requirements are.

“That roll is small!” This immediately followed the last comment.  Oh sorry, it’s only half a baguette, and yes it’s not the same size as the ones I’ve bought previously.  But it’s better than a sandwich isn’t it?  Sorry I bothered I am thinking to myself by now.  See previous point about rowing men-children – it’s all about fuel!

Within 60 seconds, man-child was heard from the laundry:  “Where’s my zoot suit?”.  (For the uninitiated, this is the all-in-one fitted suits that rowers wear – very “gay” when you’re in year 7/8/9 but somehow more “manly” when you’re in year 10.  Go figure.)  Now, since I had VERY KINDLY trawled through both their bedrooms late on Saturday for dirty clothes to wash, only because they were both rowing all day and I felt sorry for them, I knew the zoot suits had indeed made it into the washing machine, onto the line, and into the folded pile of teenage clothes that seems to live permanently in the laundry.  So you can imagine my response – silence! (Actually you could call it fuming, because I was).  He eventually found it, but not before he’d told me that the only one he found was his brothers, not his, and therefore that’s why he couldn’t find a zoot suit.  Yes, they still fight over clothes regularly.  And no they don’t put their names on them to stop said fighting.

It got better.  A minute later we had the same thing over the rowing t-shirt, which he promptly produced for me saying “You didn’t wash my shirt”!  Well no, I clearly didn’t wash your shirt – as any blind man can see because it’s filthy.  It obviously wasn’t on the floor, and so I didn’t pick it up when I was VERY KINDLY looking for 4 weeks of washing on your bedroom floor, you know the floor that the cleaners no longer vacuum because they can’t find the carpet!!  “Well it was in my backpack!”  Oh sorry, I didn’t go through every bag in your room looking for errant dirty clothes.  On another day this would be called an invasion of privacy wouldn’t it?  Clearly ESP and XRAY vision are two skills I need to add to my mother of a man-child collection.

Ah the simple joys of motherhood.  Slavery would have been a better option for some.  I can’t recall the last time they voluntarily thanked us for a nice meal, or for driving them at 5.45am every second day to school for rowing, or to a party, or for washing piles of clothing.  One of the men-children (yes the one above) sees it in very simple terms – well you chose to have children so it’s your job to do all this stuff.  Stop complaining.  I can’t wait to be laughing if and when I’m a grandmother to his children and he tells me how ungrateful they are.  The joys of parenting. 🙂

I do recall a similar conversation with the other man-child a few years back: Argue this Logic