Mother of a Man-Child

My life with teenage boys

Mother of a Man-Child: Sage Advice from a Man-Child Expert September 24, 2010

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As a parent, I am one of those who reads child-rearing books, openly shares issues with other parents for support, and/or sympathy and to compare notes (hence the blog I suppose), and seeks objective advice from relevant professionals when appropriate – my logic being the more help I can get the better my chances for success.

I am fortunate enough to be the niece of a very experienced child-rearer; although not a “parent” himself in the literal sense, over 40+ years my uncle has been a boarding house master, teacher and school principal in all-boys’ schools as well as working with delinquent youths in a well-known boys home, amongst other roles. He’s the best “surrogate” parent I know.

So who better to provide me with occasional wisdom and advice regarding the issues I face with Man-Child I and II.   He probably also has the odd laugh to see that my own children are putting me through what I put my own parents through in my adolescence.

Following some recent issues with Man-Child II, he did offer some great advice for which I am extremely grateful.  I’m sure he won’t mind me sharing his words of wisdom with you, gained over the years through experiences with hundreds if not thousands of adolescent boys.  You may not be in agreement with each of these, but for me they were objective tips sprinkled liberally with pertinent quotes, which provided me with another viewpoint to consider.

  • “The art of being wise is knowing what to overlook” (Edmund Burke). Maybe you have to overlook more than you really think you want to overlook.  A good question to ask yourself is ‘What will it matter in a hundred years, or even ten?’
  • “A wise man (woman) sees as much as he/she ought, not as much as he/she can” (Montaigne). My uncle never lied to his father because he was sensible enough not to look too closely or push him too hard into a corner (and I’m sure being the fourth child made this more likely too).
  • My uncle never liked ‘grounding’ or what the boarders called ‘gating’. It made kids resent what you really wanted them to enjoy – being at school. He did everything possible to find positive alternatives, something you could withdraw temporarily – a sanction rather than a punishment.
  • His golden rule about punishments was to keep them as short as possible rather than locking yourself into a long battle. Same day punishment is ideal with a fresh start tomorrow – and certainly seeing the funny side of misbehaviour. (So much for my term-long grounding of Man-Child II recently)!
  • Lastly, some advice a colleague and close friend of my uncle gave the carers of very challenging boys – “Enjoy the kids”, even with their unusual behaviour.

So there you have it.  Sage advice indeed from a Man-Child expert.  I wonder if he’d consider a book?  I’m sure I’d find plenty of buyers.

 

Mother of a Man-Child: Twins – United Momentarily September 17, 2010

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My twin boys are very different – just like my twin sister and I were growing up.   They have different personalities, dispositions, appearances, and quite naturally therefore a different circle of friends.  I love the fact that they are different – completely unique individuals.

At home, they fight often, as all siblings do, especially teenage boys with testosterone surging through their veins.  In fact they remind me of tiger cubs on occasion, sprawled across furniture, the floor, each other, engrossed in TV, Facebook, PS3, then unexpectedly playfully lashing out at each other.  Invariably this sometimes escalates to high level fighting, complete with the strength of miniature men, and the man-child determination not to maliciously harm I think but to “win” – yes they are highly competitive.

Whilst they fight against each other, it is always interesting to see them unite as one in battle, or in sympathy with each other, or even perhaps conspiracy?  Because at the end of the day, whilst they may not like a lot about each other, when pitted against their parents, or other authority figures, they realize that they share a common ground, that of teenagers living in a world that doesn’t understand them, or allow them the freedoms they so surely believe they should have, or just leave them alone and stop nagging them.

So whilst some mothers might feel rejected, left off the adolescent bridge across which they travel, my over-riding feeling on these occasions is a silent pleasure that they can actually be friends (albeit momentarily), and that they do have things in common, and maybe even “like” each other.

I know my twin sister and I were extremely different growing up, with diverse interests, friends, and career paths.  But as we got older and married and children entered our lives, we became great friends.  We talk regularly by phone, we see each other often, we delight in being and having a close family (along with our other sister I should add) and we’re always there for each other.

So when I see Man-Child I and Man-Child II occasionally united, and even looking like friends momentarily, I have renewed confidence that in time they will become good, even great friends, and be there for each other, and I hope their younger sister.  Because we all know that family is the most important thing you can have in the world.

 

Mother of a Man-Child: Travelling Light Teenager Style September 10, 2010

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Have you ever watched a teenager pack to go away?  Girls being girls they pack everything except the kitchen sink.  I mean you can never have too many pairs of shoes can you?  Boys on the other hand are in the minimalist camp – why take something just in case – that’s excess baggage!

Typically as a mother I always worry about what my Men-Children pack to go away.  If it’s a school camp, I insist they take absolutely everything on the list provided (yes, I was always very obedient).  If we’re going on holidays, I like to have a list so we don’t forget anything.  They on the other hand are always aiming for light and lean – why take long johns on a winter camp to the foot of the snow ranges – it won’t be cold Mum.   Clearly they didn’t attend the Boy Scouts (motto “Be prepared”).

My favourite is overnight stays.  That takes packing light to another dimension.  Basically, my boys pack nothing.  Nada.  Zip.  They go in the clothes they have on their back, and come home in the same clothes.  They don’t take a change of jocks, or a toothbrush, or deodorant.  I thought it was only my two but when their mate turned up at the door the other night to stay, I was greeted by a boy with the same approach.  His mother didn’t seem phased by it, and surprisingly nor was I – I was actually amused and quietly relieved that I don’t have the only unhygienic children in Melbourne.

The funniest was Man-Child II who recently travelled to Tasmania to play rugby.  As they were representing school they had to travel in their school uniforms (yes they were not impressed) and appear in them each day, before the match.  Both my son and another boy who were billeted out decided the only sensible thing to do was to sleep in their school uniforms!  That meant they didn’t have to change from boxers into school uniform into rugby uniform twice a day.  I guess it’s efficient, but not what I call normal.  I can only hope their hosts assumed they were eager to get dressed each morning, and didn’t realise they had actually slept in their school suits.  Just as well I wasn’t there to see my son looking decidedly dishevelled in his uniform each day! 🙂

 

Mother of a Man-Child: Learning the value of a dollar! September 3, 2010

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Like any parent, I like to think we teach our Men-Children (that’s plural for Man-Child) lessons for life from time to time.   Naturally, some of those lessons relate to finances, and the desire to teach them the value of money, how to earn it, how to save it, and how to spend it wisely.

Until recently, our boys had to pay for their own credit on their mobile phones, in order to provide them some sense of value (and how quickly you can burn $ on one)!  Naturally, they did not often have credit, as they chose to spend their pocket-money on other things – namely food (the key to a teenagers heart).  I really should have shares in Maccas!  With the recent demise of their mobile phones, I decided it was time for us to partially fund their spend.

So we sat down and commenced negotiations.  What exactly would we fund, and what would they fund?  And what were the best deals to get?  Would we opt for a two-year contract, or stick with pre-paid?

What was interesting was to see the varied approaches by each Man-Child.  Man-Child I went straight for glamour – yes, it was all about the look of the phone for “Hollywood”.  If he could have an iPhone on the world’s worst plan he would – minor detail!  Man-Child II surprised me in being far more sensible, and had actually done some homework around good value deals online, even looking at call versus text costs – he knew all the hidden pitfalls of mobiles.  I was suitably impressed.

Of course common sense (namely their Mother) won.  I was adamant we stick with pre-paid, principally because boys are likely to lose/have stolen/break mobile phones.   They funded the handset cost out of their bank account savings (so they “invested” something) and we agreed to fund the monthly costs with a small contribution from them each month, so they share the ongoing burden (yep, get used to it guys).

For now we are persisting with re-charging every month – as painful as it is, it gives them a sense of the ongoing money drain that auto-payment doesn’t deliver when it’s Mum’s credit card.

Our next project is the world of part-time jobs – the boys will be able to apply for jobs by December, so that should be a very interesting exercise and learning experience for all of us.  Of course if any of my readers would like to offer a couple of likeable Men-Children employment at year-end, please let me know.  They come with glowing references.  LOL!