Mother of a Man-Child

My life with teenage boys

We survived another school year (not without incident) December 2, 2011

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school booksFor all parents, the end of the school year is looming.  In no time the kids will all be on holidays for about two months (we workers can only wish), wondering what to do with themselves, and bleeding the parental ATM dry.

We survived the end of year exams, although the results are not in yet.  But that in itself is a major triumph, especially since we were at the school only a few weeks ago for a meeting to discuss one of the men-children and basically to receive a warning that his results would not be good.  (I really hope they’re wrong and we’re pleasantly surprised – is that naive or just optimistic?).  They basically told us that whilst they couldn’t fault our son’s commitment to sport at school, he needed to show similar commitment to academic subjects.  They, like most other mainstream schools, make no apologies for being an academic school first, with a multitude of other “opportunities” second.  It seemed a little late to be telling us this to be honest, although it didn’t come as a complete surprise.  You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink!  (Ditto homework).

Following our “meeting” we tried to ensure the men-children made the most of weekend study time.  That basically meant curtailing their social lives for two weekends and not allowing them out on a Saturday night.  As they still had serious sporting commitments, this wasn’t actually a bad idea in our minds.  However, in the eyes of men-children, spending a Saturday night at home with your parents is about the worst thing you can do.  Honestly, you should have heard the carry on.  You would have thought we’d asked them to walk naked down Glenferrie Road after school.

We also received some interesting correspondence from the school during the year about an “incident” involving both our men-children.  I can’t help but love the tone of carefully crafted letters to parents that are so politically correct in describing an event.  So the “serious incident” that involved a number of boys (including ours), followed “ongoing negative interactions” and “verbal interplay”, resulting in a “physical interaction” breaking out between some boys.  In other words a bunch of testosterone-laden boys who had been egging each other on all year finally had a shit fight and tried to punch the crap out of each other.  Thankfully both of our boys were deemed to be fringe dwellers only, and one was even credited with helping break up the fight. He later admitted that he’d actually managed to land a great punch, and even accidentally slugged one of his mates (LOL).  All part of being boys especially at an all boy’s school.  Of course I completely understand the school’s need to write a letter to all involved, and I’m thankful that ours didn’t do anything too bad.

As for how they’ll amuse themselves over the holidays – thankfully we love camps, and so do they!  Especially the summer camps and sporting camps that the school offer.  They will both be away before Christmas and again in late January.  We think it’s great for them to get away with mates on camp, and also to have time away from us.  We (that’s Father of a Man-Child, Sister of a Man-Child and myself) also enjoy the unusual dynamic that a house with a single child brings.  It’s incredibly quiet and we seem to enjoy spontaneous outings more frequently!!!

So onto the end of Year 9 and exam results next week.  You may recall the bribe we handed to the boys earlier this year – $100 for every B grade or better in their exams.  I suspect one will have a windfall shortly, and the other will be looking for lots of odd jobs he can do over the holidays. 🙂

Read about the bribery here.

 

The Joys (or not) of Parent-Teacher Interviews September 9, 2011

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This week we had the joy of parent teacher interviews.  Since there are two men-children, it requires either both of us to attend so we can split the interviews with their teachers, or one of us has to see twice the number of teachers as any other parent (that can involve several hours).  Thankfully this year Father of a Man-Child and I split the task – and even then it was a killer – let’s face it how many people feel like going to the school at 8pm on a Monday night – what were they thinking?

Not surprisingly it was a mixture of good news and bad.  Good news – doing homework, improving behaviour in class, some good results etc.  Bad news – not doing enough homework or revision, not turning up for class on time, not organised, distracting others in class……one of the men-children in particular falling into the latter news category.  Sadly for us, it’s a recurrent theme, and has been for three years now.  If we don’t decide to pull him out of the school, it may be the school asks him to leave.  This is a real possibility at the end of next year (year 10) which is crunch time for the boys, as they head into the all important Years 11 and 12.  Important for the boys, and let’s face it, important for the school’s reputation and grade averages!!!!

It’s quite difficult to sit with your son and be supportive when you learn that he has failed to hand in homework on numerous occasions, knowing that every night you have asked if all homework is done.  Moreover, knowing that you get them up each day to be out the door in a timely fashion, yet somehow they can never be on time to school?

At the P/T interviews (that’s Parent/Teacher for those of you who are new to this stuff), we bumped into one of the men-children’s head teachers.  Quite frankly she’s a delightful and seriously pragmatic teacher of boys, who really understands them.  We have exchanged numerous emails over the last 12 months, so now know each other well – I’m not sure if this is a good thing or not? 🙂

Anyway, we cast each other a knowing glance as we met to chat briefly, with Man-Child II accompanying me.  The topic of conversation was her recent email, which was to let me know that our son was now the proud owner of such a huge number of demerit points and detentions that they had escalated the issue to the head of middle school.  A fact our son had failed to mention for some reason?  Sadly it seems the demerit and detention system has absolutely NO impact on the man-child’s behaviour – it’s akin to water off a duck’s back.  I understand the head of school left him quite clear that the current spate of lateness and other offences leading to the detentions was to stop, as this situation could not continue without future consequences.  Hmmm, I certainly hope he’s successful, but I’m not convinced.

The pain point for this man-child is that he is fast earning himself a reputation in the school for being a difficult student – not a place you want to be in my view.  It just becomes increasingly difficult to get teachers to invest in you if they think you’re already a pain in the butt!  Thankfully I still saw signs the other night of wonderful teachers who are really keen for all their students (including my sons) to succeed under the tutelage.  If anything, like us, they are just frustrated to see boys who don’t make the most of the opportunities granted to them, and don’t achieve their best.

Easy in hindsight isn’t it?  Personally, detentions and slackness are quite foreign to me – I was such a goody two shoes at school I handed out detentions to other students.  Maybe this is the payback?  LOL!  Any hints to assist in reducing detentions or motivating the men-children welcome.  As you know bribery via a cash incentive is already on the table.

Read about “Money The Great Motivator” here.

 

Money – The Great Motivator July 29, 2011

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money boxAs the men-children head towards Year 10 (can you believe we’re already talking about subject selection for next year – Gulp!), Father of a Man-Child and I realize we are indeed getting to the pointy end of their school education.  And with that, we are keen to see an overall lift in their performance at school, as we all know that diligence in the early years pays off in the later years.

So with the latest school reports in hand, we discussed how we might incentivize the boys onto greater things during the second half of the year.  One of the men-children is a reasonably diligent student, although we think he does the bare minimum to achieve results, so is capable of a lot more.  And the other is a pretty poor student, in so far as he is not at all engaged by school (academia at least), not motivated (or even propelled by the threat of detentions) to do homework, listen in class, study etc – in short lacking in a basic belief in the importance of school education for his future prospects (sigh from Mother of a Man-Child, the most diligent of students).

On countless occasions the school tells us both are capable of far more – which I suppose is the biggest disappointment, especially with our disengaged man-child.   And so, to motivation – what better solution than MONEY!!!  Every 15-year-old boy who doesn’t have access to an in-built ATM at home, or a paying job, or has tight parents, surely needs money.  Especially with extended summer holidays on the horizon.

So we put a deal on the table for them:  For every B grade or better they achieved in their exams, we would pay them $100 per subject.  So they can both earn themselves $600 if they really want to – not bad for a 15-year-old we thought

In the case of one of the man-children, there was however a catch.  For whatever reason, he is consistently late for school.  No amount of detentions at school for lateness or positive reinforcement from home and school for timeliness seems to impact his behaviour.   His last report had 11 “half day absences” – basically the times he was late and was unaccounted for.  So we added a catch to his reward scheme.  For every late day on his report he would lose $20.  So if he had 10 late days it would cost him $200 offset by the B grades he would hopefully earn.

Do you know what he said?  No deal!!!  Crap – I didn’t see that coming.  He just refused to partake, point-blank, and said he’d rather go without than pay some money back.  I was exasperated.  How hard is it to get up and go to school on time – it’s such a small thing to do isn’t it?  Especially when your mother wakes you up every day!

No amount of reasoning in the next few weeks would convince him to partake in the scheme.  I was pretty pissed off with him especially since we’re even paying for a tutor for one subject, which should guarantee he gets a good grade (yep, double impost for us really).  Not one to be beaten (you know I hate to lose), I came up with an alternative deal that I wouldn’t let him refuse.  I basically flipped the penalty on its head.  So if he got five or less absences we would pay him a bonus $100.  That’s right, not a penalty but a further reward.  It seems weird, but hey if it works it’s worth it.

So time will tell how we go with the carrots for the men-children.  Father of a Man-Child and I are optimistic that it will motivate Man-Child I.  We’re less convinced about Man-Child II, but maybe he’ll surprise us?

Any other thoughts on how to motivate students?  Is the carrot or the stick better?  It’s hard to know sometimes.  Although removing PS3 for the term and taking the plug out of the TV certainly ensures they don’t have much to do except homework whilst they’re sitting upstairs some nights! 🙂

Read about more challenges with educating the men-children: “The Challenge of Educating Boys” 

 

Mother of a Man-Child: The Challenge of Educating Boys? August 27, 2010

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Most adults understand the importance of a good education.  With hindsight we can all appreciate the value of learning, and the ability to continually learn throughout our adult working life.  No doubt some of us had better school experiences than others, but I’m sure we’d all agree school should be an enjoyable (or at the very least not un-enjoyable) part of your childhood.

And so it is that we are currently facing challenges with Man-Child II.  On the sporting field both our boys are excelling, both at school and outside school, with opportunities to play their chosen sports at elite levels.  Of course we couldn’t be prouder.

Man-Child I has applied himself increasingly well at school this year, following some pretty average school reports, and the results have reflected his improved application.  We are more than happy with this.

Man-Child II unfortunately has not.  He also had some pretty average school reports last year and earlier this year, and to date no amount of threats or other approaches have changed his attitude to school or his results.  He constantly has notes in his school record book about not completing homework, not handing in homework, not being prepared for a test.  And each evening and weekend we ask about homework in a vain attempt to ensure he is completing the work.  Unfortunately it seems this has not helped.  The reason for his attitude?  In short if he finds something boring, he just doesn’t do the work because he doesn’t see the point.

So now we find ourselves with a rather large dilemma.

Questions we are asking ourselves:

  • Is the current school the right one for him?
  • Would a different school be better for him – which one?
  • Would they teach in a completely different way that might engage a 14-year-old boy?
  • Should he repeat Year 8 due to immaturity and the fact he has obviously missed out on learning most of the basics this year (and which I believe are crucial building blocks for following years)?
  • What logic can we use to make him understand there is value in maths, english, history, geography (eg. you don’t know how these might be relevant in later life, it’s the breadth of knowledge and the ability to learn that benefits you, etc.)?

I tell myself the curriculum can’t vary that much from school to school, so if he hates science, english, history, geography etc then he just has to suck it up, because it’s a little hard to not do the basics in Year 8 isn’t it?

We did recently get him a tutor in maths, a subject he reluctantly admitted he was struggling with and falling behind in.  The good news is we have seen results, and it is the only subject that he has made improvements in – credit to his tutor.  But the reality is we can’t have a tutor in every subject – that to me isn’t treating the cause of the problem at the end of the day.

At this point our plan is to seek the school’s guidance and advice – they see 250 boys each year go through Year 8 – surely they must have experience with similar cases?  How have they handled it previously?

Of course the other issue this raises is a rather more delicate one.  What if the school agreed with us that he should repeat Year 8?  How would that make him feel?  Would you move schools to do this (I think yes)?  What is the impact on a 14-year-old boy with a twin brother (probably pretty rough I suspect)?

Not surprisingly the possibility of this infuriates Man-Child II.  We had the conversation just this week following yet another poor school report.  He is adamant he wouldn’t do it – naturally.  Part of me hopes it will be just the motivator he needs to pull his digit out between now and the end of the year, and to save him and us from some hard decisions.

But in the meantime, I think we have our own homework – to seriously consider some options that might help our son, and ensure his school life is both enjoyable, and fruitful.

Thoughts, advice, similar experiences all welcome from the readers of my blog.  Help!