Mother of a Man-Child

My life with teenage boys

Man-child free for five days–woohoo! September 16, 2011

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camp fireIt’s the end of Term 3 for the boys (where did it go I ask you) and the men-children are off on camp.  That’s the trade-off for having three weeks holiday – they go on a five-day school camp at the beginning.   One is off on Cadet Camp at Puckapunyal, and one is off to Glenelg River (Portland) on an Outdoor Ed camp.

One of the men-children has spent the week getting himself organised, looking at his list, organising tent hire, borrowing sleeping bags, packing etc.  We’ve been to the supermarket several times to buy his body weight in food (they have to carry it all themselves but that didn’t stop him loading up on ridiculous non-essential food items) and he’s all organised to head off in the morning.   As my sister said to him, make sure you eat up the heaviest food first – that 20kg pack is going to feel like about 120kg before he knows it.

The other man-child finally packed last night – no worries, it’s all the same stuff from last time – she’ll be right mate.  Yes, you guessed it, our man-child cadet.  The one who froze last time in his hutchie, because he wouldn’t listen to his parents to understand exactly what he was sleeping under (not in)!   He swears he’s got it covered this time – a warmer sleeping bag and a beanie is his version of improved warmth.  No thermals for this tough boy!  As they say, you can’t do it for them, so I guess he’ll learn for himself.  We haven’t seen his list at all, and he doesn’t even know what time he’s due at school in the morning.  Aaaarggh.

The men-children are just getting their last play fight in before five days apart.  They’ll probably miss each other, ironically, and be back at it within hours of returning home.  I’m just getting myself ready for the unnatural peace and quiet that will descend on the house, along with the bursting-with-food-fridge that won’t empty in a nanosecond, and the washing basket that will stay empty for an entire day or two.  Domestic bliss.

Sister of a man-child is probably relishing the thought of no screaming in the house for five days, and the undivided attention of her parents.  Of course we will miss them, by about day four!  I’ll be sure to regale you with any good stories from the camp in a future post.  No doubt they’ll enjoy being boys/men immensely, hopefully without any major incidents or injuries.

Read about the last cadet camp experience here:  Camping Man-Child Style and Freezing on Cadet Camp (the post-script)

 

Post-Script to The joys (or not) of Parent-Teacher interviews: 

As a follow-up to last weeks post, we did actually make enquiries at the school about a spot for one of the men-children in boarding school for a term.  Our reasoning being the study routine might benefit him and help create some good habits ahead of next year.

Sadly I received a call today from the school – they won’t take him.  Not CANT, they WON’T.  That’s right, our man-child’s reputation is so bad they don’t want him in the boarding house.  Something to be proud of – NOT!!

 

The Joys (or not) of Parent-Teacher Interviews September 9, 2011

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This week we had the joy of parent teacher interviews.  Since there are two men-children, it requires either both of us to attend so we can split the interviews with their teachers, or one of us has to see twice the number of teachers as any other parent (that can involve several hours).  Thankfully this year Father of a Man-Child and I split the task – and even then it was a killer – let’s face it how many people feel like going to the school at 8pm on a Monday night – what were they thinking?

Not surprisingly it was a mixture of good news and bad.  Good news – doing homework, improving behaviour in class, some good results etc.  Bad news – not doing enough homework or revision, not turning up for class on time, not organised, distracting others in class……one of the men-children in particular falling into the latter news category.  Sadly for us, it’s a recurrent theme, and has been for three years now.  If we don’t decide to pull him out of the school, it may be the school asks him to leave.  This is a real possibility at the end of next year (year 10) which is crunch time for the boys, as they head into the all important Years 11 and 12.  Important for the boys, and let’s face it, important for the school’s reputation and grade averages!!!!

It’s quite difficult to sit with your son and be supportive when you learn that he has failed to hand in homework on numerous occasions, knowing that every night you have asked if all homework is done.  Moreover, knowing that you get them up each day to be out the door in a timely fashion, yet somehow they can never be on time to school?

At the P/T interviews (that’s Parent/Teacher for those of you who are new to this stuff), we bumped into one of the men-children’s head teachers.  Quite frankly she’s a delightful and seriously pragmatic teacher of boys, who really understands them.  We have exchanged numerous emails over the last 12 months, so now know each other well – I’m not sure if this is a good thing or not? 🙂

Anyway, we cast each other a knowing glance as we met to chat briefly, with Man-Child II accompanying me.  The topic of conversation was her recent email, which was to let me know that our son was now the proud owner of such a huge number of demerit points and detentions that they had escalated the issue to the head of middle school.  A fact our son had failed to mention for some reason?  Sadly it seems the demerit and detention system has absolutely NO impact on the man-child’s behaviour – it’s akin to water off a duck’s back.  I understand the head of school left him quite clear that the current spate of lateness and other offences leading to the detentions was to stop, as this situation could not continue without future consequences.  Hmmm, I certainly hope he’s successful, but I’m not convinced.

The pain point for this man-child is that he is fast earning himself a reputation in the school for being a difficult student – not a place you want to be in my view.  It just becomes increasingly difficult to get teachers to invest in you if they think you’re already a pain in the butt!  Thankfully I still saw signs the other night of wonderful teachers who are really keen for all their students (including my sons) to succeed under the tutelage.  If anything, like us, they are just frustrated to see boys who don’t make the most of the opportunities granted to them, and don’t achieve their best.

Easy in hindsight isn’t it?  Personally, detentions and slackness are quite foreign to me – I was such a goody two shoes at school I handed out detentions to other students.  Maybe this is the payback?  LOL!  Any hints to assist in reducing detentions or motivating the men-children welcome.  As you know bribery via a cash incentive is already on the table.

Read about “Money The Great Motivator” here.

 

Drug and Alcohol Education – the unofficial kind! August 19, 2011

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bongThis week I attended the Cannabis Education evening at the school of the men-children.  They thought it was a good idea to talk about drug use to Year 9 parents and boys, having covered off Alcohol Education last year.  We had a presentation by the local Drug Support program, and the local Youth Affairs Police Officer.  Little did they know that sitting in the audience was the mother of a man-child whom they had both had the pleasure of meeting almost one year earlier!!

Below I have published the post that I drafted a year ago, when one of the men-children decided to experiment with cannabis (for obvious reasons I couldn’t bring myself to publish it at the time).  Looking back, I am convinced we handled the situation appropriately.  To the best of my knowledge our son has not continued to experiment with cannabis, and I think he learned a lot through the process.

Original Draft Post (November 2010): 

We’ve endured some interesting events on the journey to date that is adolescence.  Parties, gatherings, girlfriends, shoplifting, meetings with the school, smoking cigarettes, sneaking out at midnight, uninvited guests at 3am, and so the list goes on.  With each new event we seem to exhale with a “well that should be the worst of it shouldn’t it”, a glimmer of hope, but a sense of the inevitable.

And so our latest hurdle.  Man-Child II arrived home on a recent Saturday afternoon after being out all day with friends.  He was happily (unusual in itself) sharing details of where he’d been, and with whom, when I noticed his words were slurred, and he could hardly keep his eyelids open.  My first instinct was of course alcohol, but I couldn’t smell it on him at all.  My second instinct was dope – and unfortunately it seems I was right.

Now both alcohol and marijuana are drugs – but one is highly illegal and one is legal (for those of adult age of course).  The use of either by my 14-year-old son scared me, but more so dope, because you don’t find kids “pushing” alcohol to fund their habit the way you do drugs do you?

Naturally Man-Child II initially denied all usage to my face, but claimed he had been with others smoking dope and therefore he smelt of it and was mildly affected – yeah, right!  Seriously, do they really think any parent with a brain bigger than a goldfish would believe that?

He wasn’t in much of a state to talk (yes what you call totally “stoned”), and for obvious reasons wasn’t forthcoming with any associates names, so off to bed he went.  We actually called the police to check what we should do (we were more than happy to haul him down to the local station for a good talking to on the spot).  They were very interested to know his age, and school – no doubt looking for patterns in usage and known users.  They asked us to bring him down to the station at a later date for a meeting, and also advised us they offer a counselling service where they work with young teens to try to encourage them not to use drugs so they would be referring our son to them.  Perfect!

In the meantime, there was instant punishment dealt out (“you can forget the long-planned Halloween party”) and we had to endure 24 hours of pleading, begging, cajoling, crying, tantrums and text messages to try to make us relent.  But we held our ground and he didn’t attend the party – a minor victory for the parents.

I also had a conversation with Man-Child II to actually ask if he knew what effects drug use had (for irregular and regular users).  He was a little vague so I set him straight.  And I also explained how the classic pyramid selling worked, and why people he didn’t know well were more than happy to give him free drugs with a view to recruiting him longer term.   That seemed to make him think.

I am hoping that the meeting will involve the police scaring the absolute crap out of him (a la Man-Child I’s run in with the law over shoplifting) so he’ll be put off for another few years at least, and that the counselling session will have the desired educational effect.  And if I find out who exactly was kind enough to share the drugs with my son, they should be more worried about me finding them than the police.

Post-Script (August 2011): 

Our man-child did meet with the local police officer, and did attend the drug counselling program as instructed by the police.  He was told if he didn’t attend the program there would be serious consequences for him.  To his credit he took himself off for several appointments as required.  He didn’t share what went on at the sessions, and nor did he need to – it was between our son and the counsellor and we were pretty sure he was in good hands.

When I arrived home last night from the school I mentioned the name of the local policeman and the counsellor who had attended the evening.  Man-Child II nearly died of fright when he realized it was one and the same, as he is obviously known to them.  The fact is he has nothing to fear.  He has learned his lesson, and I hope is actually one step ahead of some of his peers, who haven’t yet been given the skills or life lessons to equip them with the ability to make the right choices when exposed to drugs.

You can read about Man-Child I’s brush with the law here: “An Arresting Story”.

 

Money – The Great Motivator July 29, 2011

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money boxAs the men-children head towards Year 10 (can you believe we’re already talking about subject selection for next year – Gulp!), Father of a Man-Child and I realize we are indeed getting to the pointy end of their school education.  And with that, we are keen to see an overall lift in their performance at school, as we all know that diligence in the early years pays off in the later years.

So with the latest school reports in hand, we discussed how we might incentivize the boys onto greater things during the second half of the year.  One of the men-children is a reasonably diligent student, although we think he does the bare minimum to achieve results, so is capable of a lot more.  And the other is a pretty poor student, in so far as he is not at all engaged by school (academia at least), not motivated (or even propelled by the threat of detentions) to do homework, listen in class, study etc – in short lacking in a basic belief in the importance of school education for his future prospects (sigh from Mother of a Man-Child, the most diligent of students).

On countless occasions the school tells us both are capable of far more – which I suppose is the biggest disappointment, especially with our disengaged man-child.   And so, to motivation – what better solution than MONEY!!!  Every 15-year-old boy who doesn’t have access to an in-built ATM at home, or a paying job, or has tight parents, surely needs money.  Especially with extended summer holidays on the horizon.

So we put a deal on the table for them:  For every B grade or better they achieved in their exams, we would pay them $100 per subject.  So they can both earn themselves $600 if they really want to – not bad for a 15-year-old we thought

In the case of one of the man-children, there was however a catch.  For whatever reason, he is consistently late for school.  No amount of detentions at school for lateness or positive reinforcement from home and school for timeliness seems to impact his behaviour.   His last report had 11 “half day absences” – basically the times he was late and was unaccounted for.  So we added a catch to his reward scheme.  For every late day on his report he would lose $20.  So if he had 10 late days it would cost him $200 offset by the B grades he would hopefully earn.

Do you know what he said?  No deal!!!  Crap – I didn’t see that coming.  He just refused to partake, point-blank, and said he’d rather go without than pay some money back.  I was exasperated.  How hard is it to get up and go to school on time – it’s such a small thing to do isn’t it?  Especially when your mother wakes you up every day!

No amount of reasoning in the next few weeks would convince him to partake in the scheme.  I was pretty pissed off with him especially since we’re even paying for a tutor for one subject, which should guarantee he gets a good grade (yep, double impost for us really).  Not one to be beaten (you know I hate to lose), I came up with an alternative deal that I wouldn’t let him refuse.  I basically flipped the penalty on its head.  So if he got five or less absences we would pay him a bonus $100.  That’s right, not a penalty but a further reward.  It seems weird, but hey if it works it’s worth it.

So time will tell how we go with the carrots for the men-children.  Father of a Man-Child and I are optimistic that it will motivate Man-Child I.  We’re less convinced about Man-Child II, but maybe he’ll surprise us?

Any other thoughts on how to motivate students?  Is the carrot or the stick better?  It’s hard to know sometimes.  Although removing PS3 for the term and taking the plug out of the TV certainly ensures they don’t have much to do except homework whilst they’re sitting upstairs some nights! 🙂

Read about more challenges with educating the men-children: “The Challenge of Educating Boys” 

 

Mother of a Man-Child: Liar, Liar Pants on Fire April 15, 2011

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Maybe it was the fact that I’d caught Man-Child II wagging at home on said day, that my lie detector radar was more finely tuned than normal.  Either that, or just having two 15-year-old men-children has enhanced my skills in this area.  That and having been a 15-year-old myself of course (a fact most adolescents can’t actually believe about their parents).

So after Man-Child II had eventually made it to school for the last day of term (following countless threats from Mother of a Man-Child), he and a few mates planned to go out.  He casually saunters in to mention that he’s staying at his “girlfriends” house (I use inverted commas because I call her that but he might only say she’s a close friend).  I instantly suggest he re-phrase the question and he responds:  “Okay, Mum is it alright if I stay at GF’s house tonight?”  Sorry to seem anal, but in my book 15 year olds still ask permission, they don’t just tell.

Now he had actually stayed there before with a large number of people, and I’d spoken to the mother to ensure everything was kosher.  So I said I guessed it was okay, but could I just have the mother’s number again to ensure it was fine.  “Sure, I’ll text it to you later” (meaning I’ll never bother to).  “No, GF is standing right here, please just give me the number for your mother.”

Following a swift glance between my son and GF (which I couldn’t help but notice and which made even more sense later), she tells me the number, but has to consult her mobile phone because it’s new apparently.  Okay, no problems.  So off they head to Maccas apparently on the way to GF’s house.

So I ring the mother on her mobile.  I’ve spoken to her before, but wouldn’t recognize her voice to be honest.  Pleasant chit-chat ensues…..”Hi it’s Man-Child II’s mother, just wanting to make sure it’s okay if he stays over etc….” Then I can’t help but say to her “Gee, you sound very young, in fact almost too young to be GF’s mother.  Obviously that’s a compliment I say” feeling like I’m treading where I shouldn’t go.  And then I have the conviction of my instincts and casually say “Look sorry, I’ll have to call you back, can you give me your home phone”.  And suddenly, I am met with silence on the end of the phone.  The deathly silence of someone who has been caught out – BINGO!!!

And the voice that now sounds even younger on the end of the phone says “I don’t know the number”.  “Oh really I say, so this isn’t GF’s mother is it?”.  “No”.  “Then who am I talking to?”  She tells me.  And so I say simply ”(name), next time your friend asks you to lie for her, and to lie to me, I’d strongly recommend you say No!  And obviously, you won’t be seeing Man-Child II at the party tonight!”

Father of a Man-Child is standing beside me laughing, in total awe of my detective skills.  He’s always known I don’t miss much (or really anything) but this is taking my expertise to new levels.

My next call is to Man-Child II, killing the romantic dinner at Maccas, cancelling the joy of the night to come, and telling him he has 15 minutes to get his lying arse home or there will be even more trouble.

Turns out he wasn’t planning on staying at the GF’s house, but somewhere else, and the parent wasn’t home until late, and since he knew I’d say no he came up with another story.  And so we had a discussion about trust, and telling the truth, and the need to try us out occasionally and just maybe we’d let him go.  And over time, eventually we’d let him go without asking any questions or calling any parents because we knew we could trust him.

I also said, here’s another way to look at it Man-Child II – next time, tell me both the lie and then the truth – you might find I prefer the truth and say yes !!  I realize this could backfire big time, but he got what I meant – honestly!! 🙂

 

Mother of a Man-Child: Be Alert But Not Alarmed! December 3, 2010

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Sometimes my men-children will share some random piece of information with me.  At the time, I typically think nothing of it, said information being fairly innocuous, but some days later, it’s more than likely that small but important piece of data will be linked to an event, and all the pieces will fall into place!

Here’s a recent example of the plotting and under-handedness of my men-children.  As is the practice in private schools, as we all know, the more you pay, the less time they attend.  So as we approach the end of their school term and the year, exams have been finished (that was a painful period trust me) and they are preparing for two months holiday (geez, I’ll be lucky to ever see long service leave and they get this every year).

Man-Child I casually mentioned to me the other day that his teacher had told them:  “Off the record boys, as next week is the last week of school, it doesn’t really matter if you come to school or not on Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday, but make sure you’re here for Monday (results day) and Friday (last day).”

My first thought – well, that’s a fabulous attitude to have in a school with fees the size of the national debt of Greece!  My second thought –  hell no, I want to reduce their school holidays, not increase them.

So my response to my son:  “You are going to school next week.  Every day.  I think that’s the wrong attitude for your teacher and the school to have.  Blah, Blah…….”  No doubt I ranted for a few minutes, as I tend to do, and no doubt Man-Child I stopped listening after the first 5 seconds.  But really, the message was pretty simple.  Go. To. School.

Hence you can imagine my surprise earlier this week when I received a call from Man-Child II.  He was at a school, but apparently his brother was not.  Upon the Head of Middle School noticing this, he asked my son where his twin brother was.  And realizing he had not attended school, simply said “Ring your Mother”.    Now for those who are wondering, the Head of Middle School happens to know us and our sons particularly well, having had several visits to his office during the year.  And clearly he knows who the boss is in our place – good call!

So I ring Father of a Man-Child first, to check what he knows about this situation.  He assures me that he told him to go to school, having found him lolling about in bed well after he should have headed to school.

Next I ring Man-Child I, who naturally doesn’t pick up the home phone or mobile.  So I text him:  “Get your arse to school.  You don’t have permission to stay home.  Call me ASAP”.  Reply:  “I’m at (Aunt’s) house, doing work for her.  I told Dad that.  And my form teacher even said it’s up to you and you parents if you come to school, ‘cause today we don’t do anything.”

So here’s the thing.  I obviously didn’t approve and had made my intentions pretty clear last week.  Father of a Man-Child didn’t approve, but clearly didn’t put his foot down quite strongly enough, and so Man-Child I takes the usual liberty and decides for himself that he now has tacit approval from said parent not to attend school.  Grrrr.

The up-shot of all this.  I eventually spoke to Man-Child I on the phone, and told him to get to school (insert very colourful language by mother at this point of the conversation).  He finished the job he was doing, and headed home only to discover himself locked out of the house.  Naturally he had left his house key and brain cells at home earlier that morning.  So he never made it to school.

Mother of a Man-Child:  0.  Man-Child I:  1.  Damn, I so hate to lose.  And am now giving Father of a Man-Child lessons in how to be much a much more hard-nosed parent – problem being he’s always been a softy, so it’s a bit of a stretch.  Hence it invariably falls to me “Gina” (the hard-faced-bitch) every time.

PS.  In case you’re wondering, no that is not a picture of me in the photo – I look far younger!!!   LOL!

 

Mother of a Man-Child: An Arresting Story! July 16, 2010

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Just when you think the “men-children” couldn’t possibly surprise us any further, or provide me with any other great stories for the blog, along comes yet another incident that will be added to the rich and colourful history of their adolescent years.

We have already had the delightful experience of parents who are called to the school to discuss their son’s behaviour.  Whilst initially it was for an incident involving Man-Child I, by the time the meeting came about there had been another separate incident involving Man-Child II, so we had the joy of back-to-back meetings – “in stereo” I called it.   I am quite sure one of the senior teachers who met with us almost felt sympathetic at the fact it was BOTH our charming sons who were in trouble.  He very kindly pointed out that we weren’t the only parents who had made a visit to the school to discuss their sons, but I bet we’re the only ones who managed a twin visit!!!  (Thank goodness I didn’t get triplets).

However Man-Child I did excel in the trouble stakes the other day, when I received a call from an out-of-town country police station whilst we were away on school holidays to say my son was at the local supermarket and had been caught shop-lifting.  Fabulous!  I was then asked to collect him and take him to the police station, where he received an official “Caution”.  Now for those who think that’s a nice kick up the backside and “don’t do it again”, you are mistaken.  The presiding officer decided he needed a lesson that would keep him on the straight and narrow for quite some time.  So Man-Child I was told he now has a police record (not a conviction) and is effectively on a good behaviour bond for the next five years.  He had his mug shot taken (this even alarmed me) and we were also paid a visit by another policeman sporting two guns and several Tasers – totally effective trust me.  In an amazing case of irony the “arresting officer” actually had a son attending the same private school in the same year level as my Men-Children – we naturally assume privacy is assured, but it did add to the impact of the consequences.

The officer was very convincing in ensuring Man-Child I understood the impact on his life in the event he is ever stupid enough to do something that earns him a criminal conviction.  It really can derail someone and totally ruin their life.  I explained to Man-Child I that there was no point punishing him, I figured he had punishment enough for the next 5 years.  I also made him share the experience with his friends and Man-Child II so they all learned from his lesson.  But I did say if I found out they had shared it on Facebook their lives would be short-lived.   I guess only time will tell whether our teenager has heeded the sage advice and life lesson given to him by a well-meaning, and totally savvy policeman.

Read my post-script to this story here.