Mother of a Man-Child

My life with teenage boys

Mother of a Man-Child: Live in babysitters at last! July 9, 2010

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We have finally reached the point where we will allow our 14-year-old boys to babysit their 6-year-old sister.  For parents of younger kids who have been paying for babysitters for years, this brings a sort of freedom akin to the moment you realise your toddler is toilet-trained and you no longer have to spend half your income on nappies!

Of course we are naturally cautious about when we choose to have them babysit.   Normally it’s when we are at a function very close to home, and not a terribly late night, just in case we need to rush home (yes, still slightly paranoid).  And we seem to have randomly struck upon a financial deal whereby if they are both home we don’t pay them, but if only one is home then we pay him $20 for babysitting services.  Logically, I don’t expect this arrangement will last very long, but it’s financially beneficial whilst it does. 🙂

On the first weekend we left them to babysit, we were actually out two nights running.  All seemed in order when we arrived home each night, and our daughter was safely tucked up in bed.  The fun started the following morning, when my daughter informed me:  “(Insert name of Man-Child II) told me not to tell you, but he had friends over last night”!  What an interesting bit of information.  Of course I enquired exactly how many friends he had over and was a little shocked to hear of 4 visitors.  When I asked Man-Child II about his visitors I was relieved to learn they had not stayed long, and had just detoured via McDonald’s on a Saturday night.  I also pointed out that perhaps next time he might actually ASK for permission to have friends over – I didn’t tell him the answer would probably be “no” in our absence.

The next morning, after our second night out, our in-built lie detector (6-year-old daughter) was again quick to enlighten me with tales of the prior night.  She informed me that “(Insert name of Man-Child I) asked me not to tell you, but he was using your Mac (sexy work computer) last night, and it wasn’t even for something important, he was on Facebook”.  I tried not to laugh, and thanked her for being honest (and the perfect “dobber” in my view).  The boys clearly don’t realise that in asking their sister not to tell us, her radar instantly goes up and she knows they’re doing the wrong thing.  I will not be educating them anytime soon.

 

Mother of a Man-Child: How late is too late for teenagers? July 2, 2010

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The social life of Man-Child I continues unabated.  This year, the social life of Man-Child II has caught up, and almost leapfrogged his brother.  It’s amazing how quickly one is sucked into the vortex that is teenage parties and “gatherings” (for the un-initiated the two are VERY different), and therefore the associated role of playing taxi and ensuring you know where they are going, when, with whom, what time they will be home, etc etc.

The other night Man-Child II and I had a rather heated debate about a forthcoming party.  As it was for a special friend, he wanted to go to the “after party” at the birthday girl’s house (well in fact his GIRLFRIEND – can you tell I am still in shock?) and was to be dropped home at 1am by a very generous parent.  But the reason for the fight, was that he was asking to be home later!!!!  And five of the boys wanted to stay at someone’s house together, and no doubt be up until 3am in the morning – not on your life.!

I thought we were being very, very generous in allowing him to be out that late given his age (fourteen).  Of the parties my boys have attended, the latest finish time to date has been 11.30pm, plenty late enough in my view.  I was so concerned about the apparent intent of the boys that I contacted a couple of the other mums, just to give them the heads up.  I was relieved to discover that in fact their boys were not even to attend the after party, so relatively we actually looked “slack” for once.

I subsequently confirmed with Man-Child II that some of his mates would in fact not be attending the after party.  I also extracted an apology and he even acknowledged that he was extremely lucky to be allowed out until 1am.   The vision of the irrational, very angry, screaming teenager who “hated” me with such passion will remain, and no doubt repeat itself many times in the coming years.  As will the vision of the parent standing their ground and just saying “no” repeatedly, because they refused to bow to the whims of a teenager who thinks he is an adult.

At this rate I can’t wait until they’re 25 and nice again!

 

Mother of a Man-Child: Sometimes a Man-Child will surprise you. June 25, 2010

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Man-Child I and Man-Child II aren’t that surprising.  They do all the usual teenage boy things, push the boundaries, and the friendship, take us for granted, etc.  But sometimes they can surprise and delight when you least expect it.

On two recent occasions I have been pleasantly chuffed at the behaviour of my boys.  On a recent birthday, Man-Child I presented me with a personal letter.  Not a short card but actually a hand written note.  The contents warmed my heart more than you can imagine.  With sentiments like “you are always putting everyone else first”, “I know you are always right”, and “there’s not a mean bone in your body”, I was in Mother heaven.   I lapped up every word, and enjoyed the incredible positive vibes it gave off, knowing that in a heartbeat we could go from such bliss to a screaming match over absolutely nothing.  Such is life with teenagers!

A cynic might say he knew all the right things to say and that actions speak louder than words – and yes he did in fact compile quite a list of wonderful affirmations about me.  But he also knew that to commit it to paper and hand it to his mother meant a lot – a permanent record of his love and devotion, not often worn on his sleeve, but always present, just beneath the surface of his skin.  I’d love to quote every word, but that would be unfair, and somehow de-value the beauty of the often-handled letter that I can’t bring myself to throw out – ever.

Which brings me to Man-Child II, not quite the letter writer of his twin brother, but he has his own way to disarm a grown woman.  Having marked the same birthday with not even a store-bought birthday card, he completely redeemed himself on Mothers Day recently.  I was presented with not just a card, but a gorgeous ruby glass heart-shaped vase. Man-Child II not being much for words, the small but important gift said it all.  He even acknowledged that he had been embarrassed to not even write a card for my birthday – an apology said in a different way.   I was chuffed.   The vase now has pride of place on my dresser, and the card lives next to my favourite letter.  And in case you’re wondering, no his father didn’t put him up to it!

I doubt my boys really know how important these simple things are to their parents, nor how valued they become.  But since becoming a parent and filling fridge doors, walls, draws and cupboards with artwork and letter and cards, I now understand why my father’s desk drawers were full of birthday cards, Fathers Day cards, Mothers Day cards, all collected over the years from four daughters.  He just couldn’t bring himself to throw them out.  That’s the power of love. 🙂

 

Mother of a man-child: Space for everyone? June 18, 2010

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Like all growing families, we have contemplated the need for more room, to house the needs of a growing family. When our daughter came along, we converted what was an odd-shaped “study” into a quaint little girls bedroom. And in fact it has served her very well, although it’s not large enough to accommodate all her toys, and it’s opposite her brothers bedroom which isn’t ideal when she’s trying to go to bed at night.

Actually to be completely rational, it’s not really about extra space, more about the floor plan that we currently have and the fact it no longer works with teenagers and a 6-year-old girl. In the interests of giving the boys some independence, we have allowed them to take over the formal lounge/study as their own, so they can sit in there with mates on their PS3, play music, chat with friends, watch TV, chat on Facebook (yes all simultaneously) whilst leaving us in peace. It works to a point, but at night when our daughter is trying to go to sleep, the doof doof coming from the room next door is not exactly conducive to slumber.

My husband always used to complain about everyone being in the family room when they were younger. I said yes, that’s the point, family room, where the family congregates. And whilst that’s definitely ideal when they are young, and you want to keep an eye on them, it’s actually less useful as they get older.

So after much deliberation, some thoughts about moving, some depressing attempts to bid on properties we thought were ideal (but clearly beyond our budget) and general agreement that we all love our current location, we’ve decided to go up. Not as many expect with the luxurious parents retreat (however tempting that may be) but actually to put the boys upstairs. Imagine the bliss for them with a large bedroom each upstairs, a shared bathroom and living room, away from the “rents” (that’s parents for those who missed my earlier glossary of terms) and a space they can call their own.

Imagine the bliss for us to have them upstairs, and not have to hear the sounds of their world wrestling antics, doof doof music, or to see the unkempt bedrooms, complete with wet towels on the floor, dirty clothes littering every room, the wet bath mat on the floor permanently (why hang it up?), dirty cups and plates on the floor……

Now I realise we need to consider a few things if the plan is to succeed:

  1. We need to ensure the architect does everything he can to sound proof upstairs
  2. Assuming polished concrete is not possible as a floor substance, then we want the best industrial strength carpet money can buy, in the best colour to hide dirt
  3. I will probably have to pay the cleaners danger money each week to walk upstairs and clean, but that’s better than me doing it
  4. On a quarterly basis we will have the fumigation team in to ensure no bacteria/toxic outbreaks are thriving upstairs
  5. Oh and maybe we should get windows that we can schedule to open on a timer – so a good dose of fresh air regularly rids the area of teenage boy smells…..

If we can achieve all this, I have no doubt both our teenagers and we parents are more likely to survive the next 5 years with our sanity intact. I will draw the line at putting in a hoist that doubles as a laundry chute and food elevator – it’s not a hotel (even though the boys treat it as such often……).

Now to hurry up the council – I want those plans approved so we can all achieve this state of blissful co-habitation as soon as possible.

 

Mother of a man-child: The self “tattoo-ing” trend June 11, 2010

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In all societies there are cultural mores and traditions, language dialects, dress code and physical markings that can serve to distinguish one culture from another.   And within cultures, there are sub-cultures, again each often distinguishable from other groups through their physical appearances and language.

And so it is with teenagers, with a defined “look” and language marking each type of group, albeit the look is often a “uniform” they wear and so in looking different they all look the same, in order to belong.  Girls in short denim shorts, boys in skin-tight mid-butt jeans, hair just so.  In fact not much has changed from when I was a teenager wearing the same skin-tight jeans funnily enough.

There is however a disturbing trend we recently discovered that is clearly a cultural behaviour, but one that alarmed me so much I contacted the school to alert them (oh yes, you can imagine how popular that made me at home can’t you?).  The trend is a form of tatoo-ing, whereby young boys use cans of deodorant to literally burn themselves, thereby creating a scar on their inner arm.   I first noticed it on Man-Child II, who had two burns, one on his inner arm, and one on the top of his hand. Both very nasty, inflamed and scabbed.  I naturally asked what had happened, and was mortified and gob-smacked to learn a friend of his had encouraged him to do it to himself.  I quote:  “You what???  If (nameless friend) had asked you to jump off the West Gate would you?  What sort of idiot are you?  He’s not to welcome to our house again…….(mother continues ranting for at least another five minutes – you get the picture I am sure).

I have since noticed many of my sons friends that have the same markings.  Each time I make a point of letting them know I have seen the scars, so they know I am well aware of it.  I don’t expect they give two hoots about my view, but I still want them to know that I’m not blind to this behaviour.  I find this sort of self-mutilation quite disturbing amongst young boys and certainly can’t recall any similar activities amongst my peers when I was a teenager.  It makes body piercings seem banal doesn’t it?  My only hope is that this is the worst sort of tattoo they will ever have – the alternative is a lot more permanent.

 

Mother of a man-child: Pocket Money – it’s never enough is it? June 4, 2010

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The debate about pocket-money has probably raged in households for centuries.  It’s a bit like wages – it seems the more you earn the more you spend, and then the more you need and so the vicious cycle begins, for the balance of our working lives.

In the house of the Man-Child and Teen-Child, pocket-money has been paid for some years now.  We only started paying them pocket-money when they realised what the concept was about, and from an early age encouraged them to spend a little each week and save a little each week, for a rainy day, or for special something.

Based on what our friends pay their kids, we seem to have managed to minimise the pocket-money we pay quite well, always lagging in our generosity (not intentionally I have to say).  Interestingly every time a raise was sought, it was Man-Child who went into negotiation mode, invariably securing himself (and by default) his twin brother a small financial victory and windfall.

Of course when they were little, the point system seemed to work quite well, with scores for chores done, and bonus points/earnings for any extras.  As they got older, and life got busier, their list of chores seems to have diminished (I’m so desperate it’s now enough to make a bed daily and keep a room tidy) but the pressure on the rate of pay remains.

For those who haven’t yet endured the receiving end of a negotiation, here are some key points/techniques that will be used to secure increased parental funding:

  • Peer pressure is often used to good effect, eg. our friends all get WAY more than we do (insert massive number at least double what they “earn”)
  • Friend X just has to ask for money and he always gets some.  One day his Mum drove to school at lunchtime and gave him $50 for tuckshop.  (Note, I find the behaviour of the parent in this case horrifying – what sort of spoilt kids are they bringing up?)
  • We need more money if we have to pay for our mobiles as well (gee, try using the landline and not sending 500 texts a month and the money might last longer)
  • Mum, can I just have $5 for a drink/lunch ‘cos I’m meeting friends.  Response – why don’t you eat/drink for free at home, then meet your friends?  What happened to your pocket-money anyway?
  • Can I have an advance on next weeks pocket-money (hoping next week you’ll forget and pay them again)!
  • And beware the very, very clever ploy of asking ever so sweetly for some money in front of their friends.  I call this being fleeced.  Nothing like public pressure to ensure Mum comes across as the generous, caring type.

My twins are 14 now – at 14 years and 9 months they can get their first legitimate job (Maccas here they come).  In the meantime they rely on the generosity of us, their parents and our irregular need for odd jobs to be done around the house. Which we will happily pay for, when done well of course. 🙂

 

Mother of a man-child: It’s a mans’ world May 28, 2010

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I am sure many of you have read parenting books over the years.  Let’s face it, we start buying up the expert literature when our precious first-born is but a mere dot, and we continue to buy them into their teenage years.  Once you get past the baby stage, the books actually get gender specific.  So we started with “Raising Boys” by Steve Biddulph about bringing up boys aged 5-12 years, and then “The White Water Rafting Years” (A common sense guide to parenting teenagers) by Ian Grant & John Cowan.  My sister-in-law gave me this book when the boys were 11 years old and said read it immediately so you appreciate how easy they are at that age – in other words just wait until they are teenagers!

My latest read is “He’ll be OK” by Celia Lashlie.  As it explains on the cover it’s a book about “Growing Gorgeous Boys into Good Men”.  I read it about a year ago and I must admit as a mother of teenage boys I found it incredibly enlightening and insightful – and it gave me a lot to think about in terms of my own role versus that of my husband, specifically that I really needed to take a back seat and he really needed to take a forward one.  Or as the author so aptly describes it, Mum needs to get off the bridge of adolescence, and Dad needs to get on it.

This was borne out on a holiday last year on the Gold Coast when we finally did the theme parks.  We all had fantastic fun, with the boys off on their own to do all the scariest rides (including hideous water funnel things) and my daughter delighted with the younger kids rides, and water play areas etc.  All the boys were interested in was getting their father onto the rides with them.  They didn’t once ask me if I would do one with them, and nor did I offer.  But they nagged my husband for two days, until finally he capitulated (I actually think he was slightly terrified).   I’m sure their key motivation was having added ballast on the rides, so they got even more “air”, but it was most definitely a bloke thing.  They were actually impressed for one nano-second when I explained I had done the Big Drop and the Blue Ringed Octopus water slide at approx. 80 kmh, but  really it was all about Dad.  The differences between the sexes (in their eyes) and our role was really evident to me on that trip.

There’s a great analogy that the author of “He’ll be OK” uses in her book to describe the role of parents in setting  boundaries.  She suggests that in years 7 & 8 when boys are typically focussed on having fun and learning, ideally both at the same time, the metaphorical boundary needs to be very evident, and have a small electric current running through it, which they will test and of course discover is real.

By year 9, when you see evidence of the “man-child” species on mass, the boundary no longer has a small electric current, but now requires that we run the national grid through it!!!  I absolutely love this analogy, perhaps because I already have one “man-child” (yes I am convinced he’s at least 12 months advanced in this regard) and I am hell-bent on helping him stay safe and moderating his social life (or in his eyes severely cramping his lifestyle), and at the very least I can use the book to rationalise my own behaviour if need be.  🙂

 

Mother of a man-child: Etiquette – a thing of the past? May 22, 2010

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It was interesting to see the recent article about the rise of “finishing school” classes for modern-day kids.  Apparently some of them are so lacking in old-fashioned manners they are being taught it by professionals.  One would hope that we can impart such lessons to our own children by example, but alas it may be I need to send my boys to finishing school also.

Take for example their approach to present giving.  My boys have been brought up always taking a birthday present with them when they went to parties as youngsters.  But suddenly as teenagers, all memory of this simple but meaningful tradition seems to have been erased.  On some occasions, I have enquired about whether a present is appropriate and been told CASH is the preferred choice, as the birthday girl/boy is looking forward to having $1500 cash to spend after their party (meanwhile their parents have probably spent $5000 to throw the party).  Call me old-fashioned but I am not a fan of this approach.

The alternative is that they/we will buy a present (normally after some initial prompting).  One evening Man-Child had indeed organised to purchase a very nice bracelet for a friend.  As we walked out the door I asked where it was – I kid you not he had it on his wrist!!!!  I explained that it might be a little nicer if it was gift wrapped, and a personal card was written to his friend for the occasion.  That way it would look like the thoughtful present that it was, rather than some second-hand bauble he’d found lying around.

The etiquette of gift giving extends to weekends away with friends.  I am a reflection of my parents, and was brought up to believe that you should never go empty-handed when you stay with another family.  So I will always ensure my boys take some food, either snacks/drinks for the kids, or maybe some chocolates for the parents.  Even better if it’s something home-made, but in this day and age I think we’re all more forgiving.   I was therefore mortified one day to see Man-Child arrive home with the soft drink and chips I had provided to him, half-eaten/drunk and still in his bag.  When I asked why the host hadn’t been given them, he looked at me blankly.  It had not even occurred to him to present them to his host – he just assumed it was for the boys to enjoy as they saw fit.  You will be pleased to know we have now completed the lesson on gift giving,  so hopefully my boys will be a little wiser in future.

 

Mother of a man-child: The art of discipline May 16, 2010

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One of the key challenges for parents of a man-child, or two in our case, who are now bigger than me and almost as tall as their father, is how to discipline them.  When once a good whack might have served to deliver the required response (OMG – what sort of parent am I?), it’s a little difficult now.

So we have found other means, that seem to satisfy the fury of a parent, and rile Man-Child I and Man-Child II sufficiently to make them realise we are 1) very angry, and 2) not going to take it any more.  Ooh, them’s fighting words aren’t they!

For your general amusement, and perhaps inspiration, here is a handy list of disciplinary actions we have taken on occasion:

  • Slam laptop shut and whisk it away mid Facebook chat or update (and don’t return it for the rest of the night)
  • Eject PS3 game without any warning, or turn it off at the powerpoint
  • Confiscate the PS3 games or laptops for a week – that WILL hurt them, trust me
  • Disconnect the cables from the sound system, thereby rendering it useless but reducing the doof doof noise substantially
  • Throw them out the front door, or back door, in whatever they’re wearing (I don’t care if it’s boxers on a 5 degree night!)
  • Send them to their rooms, or to bed – yep, early night, don’t care what time it is
  • Tell them they’re grounded for a month, or 2 months, or even a year (yep, you’re sure to follow through with that one)
  • Cancel their pocket money for the same period of time (again, yep highly likely to follow through)

Okay, so we’re not perfect, far from it.  But it does feel good when you slam that computer shut.  Any other thoughts or successful tactics welcome.

 

Mother of a man-child: Nurture vs Nature May 9, 2010

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The role of nature versus nurture is a well researched and documented topic, borne out most especially amongst the twin population – the perfect case study if you like.  You need look no further than my own teenage twin boys to see that nature very much plays a part in their different personalities and behaviour.

My boys differ quite significantly, not just in looks but in personality traits – after all they are non-identical twins.  One is an extreme extrovert (hence his incessant appetite for social activities) and one is more introverted, and quite content with his own company.  They are also different in appearance, one having a more solid build as per the fraternal line and one more wiry as per the maternal line, coupled with different eye colour, skin tone etc.  Many people would probably be surprised to learn they are brothers let alone twins.

From day one their personality differences were apparent.  Man-Child was a typical high-demand  baby, desperate for attention and to be the first on the breast (once we’d got past tandem feeding – yikes!).  Teen-Child was far more patient and placid, happy to play second fiddle to his impatient sibling.  As developing toddlers, Man-Child seemed to lead the way in everything, and sure enough about one month later Teen-Child would follow.   Now as teenagers I think Man-Child was probably about six months ahead of Teen-Child in developmental terms as they entered adolescence.

In terms of how these differences manifest themselves in teenage lives, here’s a classic example of their Saturday afternoon activities about a year ago (just going on 13 years old).  Man-Child was off at the cinema with a couple of mates and some girls to see a movie.   Trammed down there, saw the flick, probably went to Maccas and generally “hung” with the girls, testosterone no doubt surging through his veins.  Teen-Child meanwhile was off at a mate’s place.  When I casually enquired how he had filled his afternoon he told me that he and his friend had spent their time hiding in the piles of autumn leaves on the footpath, and jumping out of them to startle innocent passers-by!!!!  Apart from a great example of the role of nature over nurture in determining my twins behaviour, I was actually delighted that my early teenager could still have such simple and innocent fun (thank God they didn’t give any elderly people a heart attack)!  I am confident that Man-Child wouldn’t do this sort of thing in a million years, then or now.  I think he’s just to “cool” (in his own mind) to do something like that, sadly.

Wind the clock forward a year, and both of my “man-childs” are now actively social, out and about constantly each weekend with friends (of both sexes of course).  The only thing they seem to come home for is to change their clothes and refuel.  And whilst their personalities remain quite different, their general belligerence and teenage attitude is actually very similar (much to the angst of their parents)!!