Mother of a Man-Child

My life with teenage boys

A Celebration Of Boys Through Sport August 26, 2011

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I attended a function at the men-children’s school recently (yes, we had three events in seven days) and it gave me reason to reflect as the Mother-of-a-Man Child on the journey of my sons from boys to adolescents to adults.

The event I attended was the Rugby Presentation night.  As the team manager for one of the men-children’s teams (ironic since I know virtually nothing about rugby no matter how hard I try to learn the rules – apparently the prerequisite was being good at email communication), I decided that this year I would like to attend the evening.

Father-of-a-Man-child and I tend to play tag team at these events anyway, mainly because we have the much younger Sister-of-a-Man-Child at home, and it’s just too big an impost to all go to everything, especially on a school night.  Hubby had been to the AFL presentation night just a few nights earlier, so it seemed fair to share the load.

The night was really like any sporting presentation night.  A great compilation video to open the night, followed by Coaches awards for each year level (best player, most improved, etc), gifts presented to coaches, recognition for the all important 1st team (this is predominantly made up of year 12’s and other boys who excel in the sport), and special awards.

No doubt since I hadn’t attended one before I probably enjoyed it more than many.  I doubt the format changes year in, year out.  As some of you would know, the end of year primary school concert, as gorgeous as it is, loses some of it’s joy by the time you’ve attended four or five of them, and you know you’ve got another 10 to go with your daughter following your sons through the school!!!

But we digress – back to the rugby evening.  My overwhelming sense of the night was that it really was a true celebration of boys.  Collectively they represented a wonderful display of teamwork, mateship, determination, and dedication by both coaches and students alike.  Many of the coaches referred to watching the boys progress over the year as they grew into young men, witness to the ever-changing physical and emotional rollercoaster that is adolescence.  Some were very frank about the challenges of coaching the boys, particularly at certain ages when they are more anti-authoritarian, but even then, you could tell they enjoyed the challenge and delighted in the development of the boys and what they had achieved throughout the season.

Above all, I also got an amazing sense of the bond they all shared through their love of the game of rugby.  It was quite a contagious feeling, and made me pleased to be playing even a very minor part in the sport.  It also gave me an insight into Father-of-a-man-child’s passion for the local AFL footy club of which he is President.  It takes up way too much of his time, but now I think I can understand why he just can’t get enough of the club.

For us, we love that both of our men-children are active in sport.  Be it AFL, Rugby or Rowing, what became clear for me is the importance for them to be part of a team, to do their best, to enjoy the pursuit of sporting excellence, to put in the effort to get the reward, and to have fun whatever the result.  And above all, to just be boys, becoming young men, playing sport, with all the stuff that goes with it. 🙂

Read more about being a Mother in a Man’s world here, reflecting on the book “He’ll be OK, by Celia Lashlie”.

 

Man-Child Pays Sister For Silence August 12, 2011

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top secret
Sister of a Man-Child was left at home recently with Man-Child II babysitting whilst we went out to dinner (yes there are advantages to having men-children after all).  When we came home there appeared to be no issues, daughter was asleep in bed, all was good.

About a week later, Sister of a Man-Child told me she had a secret.  Moreover, it was a secret she wasn’t supposed to share with us, because her brother had asked her to keep the secret.  But she wondered if she could share it, on the condition her brother couldn’t know, and no-one would get in trouble.  Poor child, she was carrying around a secret and bursting to tell someone.  “Of course you can tell me darling” I said, wondering what mischief was about to be revealed.

Sister:  Well, the other night when you went out, Man-Child II had a friend over, and he said he’d pay me to keep it a secret from you.
Mother:  Really, did he now?  Was it a girl or boy?
Sister:  Boy.
Mother:  Do you know who it was?
Sister:  No.
Mother:  How much did he pay you?
Sister:  $3.   (Reasonable deal for both really.)

So we said nothing, and praised Sister of a Man-Child for being honest enough to tell us and reassured her she or he wouldn’t get in trouble or know that we had been told the secret.  I figured we might as well encourage this excellent form of man-child espionage. 🙂

A week later a mate of Man-Child II walks in the door.  Sister of a Man-Child discreetly says to me “Mum, you know how I said he had a mate over, that’s him.”  Bingo! Puzzle solved.  Perfect.  Sister of a Man-Child was actually quite chuffed, realizing she had managed to deliver all relevant information to her parents, without suffering any form of retribution.

She then floored me when she said to herself, “Gee, this is okay.  I get paid to keep a secret, but then I tell Mum, and everything is okay.”  LOL, brilliant!  This kid will go far in life.  She earned the $3 from her brother – I hope she makes plenty more from them over the years!!!

Read more about Sister of a man-child here:  A Princess Tale.

 

Mother of a Man-Child: Testosterone Power Surge in Melbourne Suburb! June 10, 2011

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If it was possible to measure the output of testosterone in males, I swear my boys would be world record holders and probably blow up any machine that attempted to gauge it.  Such is the surge of testosterone in our house I can almost feel the electric-like current running through the place sometimes.

I grew up with three wonderful sisters – yes, one of four girls.  Naturally I always wanted brothers and envied my friends who had them in spades.  I therefore thought it was appropriate that my first-born were a) twins, since I am one myself and b) boys, since I had no brothers and was a complete tomboy as a child.  Some would say it served me right!

When my men-children were growing up, we always joked that our gorgeous boys were really just like dogs – always happy when outdoors and definitely better behaved after a good run in the park.  Growing boys just seem to need to burn off some of that energy and testosterone which courses through their veins during key phases in their life.   This is in stark contrast to raising girls, as we learned with the adorable sister of a man-child.  Females are just so different to males, but both equally enjoyable I must add.

Now the men-children are enduring yet another testosterone surge during adolescence, they don’t seem to be able to burn the hormones fast enough to keep a lid on it.  Even with sport virtually every second day, they seem to have plenty in reserve.   Which means that most nights they use it to “play-fight” amongst themselves.

Those of my readers with brothers will know what teenage boys play fighting looks like.  Others of you without brothers or men-children might be surprised to know how severe it can be.  “Play-fighting” by its very name sounds like light wrestling, some muted punches, a bit of nudging, and general pushing and shoving.  But no, that’s just the appetizer for my men-children!

Play fighting in our house involves two 15 year olds literally holding each other in death like grips, using every ounce of their strength in order to deliver harm to their opponent.  I kid you not I once found them entwined, one with legs wrapped around the other, and one in a choker hold, and them thumping each other on the ground to try to extract themselves from the other’s grip.  Neither would give up – no wonder they’re good at competitive sports!  I am still waiting for the hole in the wall, an elbow through the new TV, or a head split open on the corner of the coffee table – it just seems inevitable sadly.

The other night, having listened to the dulcet tones of play fighting from upstairs (yep, all we’ve done is move the noise and testosterone to a new location) I ventured up with the intention of putting an end to it.  I then made the stupid mistake of getting involved – bad idea, when I’m a) shorter, b) lighter and c) prone to excitement and extreme frustration.  All I ended up doing was screaming, getting madder, and earning a physical injury myself.  The lesson for me – I cannot physically win anymore – do not even attempt it (although hair pulling works as a last resort – for some reason they find this EXTREMELY painful)!

We had play-fighting again the following night, and they literally made their way downstairs as they fought.  So I tried a new tack – I threw them out of the house – the freezing winter air in Melbourne soon cooled them down, and took the heat out of their aggression.

Is this normal behaviour?  I think so, or at least I hope so.  It’s probably exacerbated by them being very different personalities.  I recall my girlfriend’s brothers once chasing each other around their kitchen table – I was sure they would kill each other, but I was probably only 10 years old so it made a big impression on me.

Will they be the best of mates one day?  I think so, or at least I hope so.  The testosterone will slow down its relentless pace and the aggression will give way to mate-ship and a lifelong bond between brothers.  Now that would make me happy. 🙂

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Mother of a Man-Child: Mother’s Day Musings May 13, 2011

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mothers dayMother’s Day has been and gone for another year.  Unfortunately both my hubby and me are without our mothers now, something you can’t help but recall with sadness on this day.  Fortunately however, being a mother means I also get to be the centre of the day’s events at home (well almost).

For the Men-Children, Mothers Day is clearly an event to be missed.  Both of them made plans to go out on Saturday night, and to stay over at a mates, until both Mother of a Man-Child and Father of a Man-Child pointed out that since it was Mother’s Day on Sunday, it would be nice for them to be at home.  Moreover which other Mother wants to wake up to my men-children on Mother’s Day I ask you?

My daughter on the other hand had been living in anticipation of Mother’s Day for an entire week.  Of course there’s the special presents to make at school, and the cards to craft.  Not to mention the breakfast-in-bed planning to do with Dad.  Oh, and an acrostic poem to write.  My daughter was one of a select few to have her effort published in the school newsletter for everyone to read.  I’ve included it below for your amusement – I just love the bit about me getting angry!!!

Kind and loving she is caring and careful. I love my Mum.

Every day she says good night, she cooks us dinner and she helps the family with so much stuff.

Lots of things my mum does. She lets me have friends over, she plays games with me.  My mum is SUPER!

Little times, big times, hard times, easy times. I don’t care if mum gets angry at me.  I will still always love her.

You know my mum is the Best in the whole WORLD!

Such was my daughter’s excitement that she couldn’t actually wait until Sunday to give me one of my presents.  So I got the homemade heart-shaped lavender soap as an early present on Saturday, which took pride of place in the bathroom.  It’s quite “rustic” but seems to do the job.  🙂

In keeping with the boys’ level of engagement around all things Mother’s Day, I actually bought my own Mother’s Day card and asked them to write in it.  Is that sad or what?  Thankfully Sister of a Man-Child wasn’t satisfied until they had each written in it.  And to be honest, what they each wrote warmed the cockles of my heart.

On Sunday I did get breakfast in bed along with Sister of a Man-Child naturally, and a kiss and hug from Man-Child I.  Man-Child II went the hug but resisted the kiss.  Clearly at 15 that just grosses him out I gather?  Oh well, small steps.  Somehow I then ended up going to see a kid’s movie with my daughter (I did point out the irony of this to her on Mother’s Day) and then we watched the men-children play footy.  All in all an enjoyable day.

When I asked the boys where my present was from them their instant retort was “But you don’t give us enough pocket-money”!!  My response: “Gee boys, I’m sure you could have guilted Dad into giving you money to buy a present for me.  And apart from that, you could always have offered to cook dinner for me!”

In the words of my daughter “It really is kids day every day Mummy isn’t it?”

 

Mother of a Man-Child: Griswold Family Holiday Anyone? April 21, 2011

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beachAs the men-children get older, so too does the challenge of finding a holiday to satisfy the whole family. This becomes increasingly important as their needs change, and also as the number of family holidays we are likely to have in the future with them diminishes rapidly. Although I have no doubt any offer to take them overseas will ensure an instant family holiday – no questions asked!!

That’s not to say that every family holiday should centre on the men-children, but more that we ideally want everyone to enjoy their time together. Mother of a Man-Child and Father of a Man-Child invariably want a relaxing holiday, having worked hard to ensure we can afford them in the first place; Sister of a Man-Child just wants to have fun playing with her parents and brothers and receiving bucket loads of undivided attention (fair enough when you’re seven), and the Men-Children want either access to loads of cool stuff or their mates on tap 24/7.

Both of these present challenges. Firstly, in order to satisfy the mate requirement, you either organise a family holiday with another family (no easy feat to co-ordinate in the modern world), or invite a couple of extra kids along on the trip (if you think you can cope or afford it), or stay where their friends stay. Having two men-children with different circles of friends makes the latter challenging to say the least. Especially when one of them thinks that Portsea at Christmas time is THE place to be (as I did at his age!!!). Apologies to my friends who have lovely beach houses down there, but I can’t bring myself to pay $’000’s of dollars over summer to rent a house there and queue for bread every day, or battle for a parking spot, only to bump into all my Melbourne acquaintances. Now of course if I had a lovely, large beach house I could hide in for summer that might be different. 🙂

So the alternative is finding somewhere that has cool stuff for men-children to do, to keep them entertained on occasion, and a place that also provides the opportunity for us to relax and unwind whilst entertaining a sometimes demanding seven-year old! Invariably we seem drawn to the beach for holidays (although we have done the odd snow vacation but frankly I find it anything but relaxing – I need a double espresso laced with Scotch by the time I hit the first run at 9am having got everyone out the door in all the requisite gear). There’s nothing quite like the warmth of the sun and the heady combination of sand and surf in Australia; we’ve been to some wonderful beach spots over the years with the kids, including Kangaroo Island, Merimbula, Sunshine Coast, Phillip Island, Gold Coast, Wilsons Promontory, Mission Beach, South Molle Island, Apollo Bay and of course Somers.

The beach is always the perfect antidote to Melbourne’s winter, and summer just isn’t the same without a spell beachside. And what’s a holiday in Australia without the mandatory road trip (we’ve done a few of them too) with the back of the car or trailer filled to the brim and the family resembling the Griswolds off on their next vacation!

But increasingly the boys are no longer happy to just be at the beach for days on end (certainly not in the company of their parents). God I hope this is normal and not just a reflection of how disliked we are by them? Like all good teenagers they seem intent on spending as much time as possible lying in bed, and then arising to feed, then swim, then feed and loll about again. Hence we look for a mixture of adventure and indulgence.

So we’re going to Hamilton Island in September, with lots of water activities and day trips for us and/or them to partake in whilst mother and daughter lie poolside, and hopefully some other teenagers they can hook up with day and/or night. And we’re considering Sydney in January. We figure there’s plenty for men-children and us to see and do in Sydney (bridge climbs, harbour jet boating, ferries, opera house, Sydney tower etc), and if all else fails, we’ll just spend days at Bondi beach watching the world-famous lifeguards rescue stupid international tourists from the many rips whilst they swim outside the flags – doh!!

BTW, I know it must seem ridiculous for me to be talking about holidays in January already, but as anyone with kids knows, you need to get in early if you are to be organised and find decent accommodation options for a family of five. So it’s never too early to float ideas with the family over dinner to see what sounds like a viable option. Any thoughts or suggestions welcome, especially if you’ve found a great spot that satisfies everyone.

 

Mother of a Man-Child: It’s nice to be wanted. February 11, 2011

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It’s funny how quickly your kids grow up.  One day they desperately need you and think you’re the bees knees, and the next they want you to drop them a long way from the school gate, or better still not be seen ANYWHERE with them.  And forget hugs and kisses – Yuk!

In our house we still have both extremes.  My men-children are only interested in me for two things – money and transport (the latter only when it suits them but not before or after a party)!  Oh and ensuring their clothes are washed, folded, ironed, replaced, etc, bountiful quantities of food are in the fridge, a hot meal is on the table each night, and the dishwasher miraculously fills and empties itself on a daily basis – but they’re all things that happen automatically, aren’t they?  And lest Mother of a Man-Child or Father of a Man-Child should complain, the response – “Well you decided to have children.  So that’s your job!!!”

Thankfully my dismay is tempered by the joy of having Sister of a Man-Child, who is still at the delightful age of complete and utter adoration for her parents.  When we go out she would rather we stay home than leave her with the Men-Children (can’t blame her really), and she loves every opportunity to jump into our bed for cuddles.  The highlight of her year is having Mum on tuck-shop duty (a very, very important event) that requires Mother of a Man-Child to be extremely vigilant to get on the roster, and then costs me at least $20 due to all the sudden best friends Sister of a Man-Child seems to have gained at school on said tuck-shop day.

Being Mother of a Man-Child is doubly hard with my sons as they naturally orient to other males at this age (oh and females of their OWN age).   So one can feel quite left out at times – not easy for someone who likes to be in control and in the middle of everything.  Of course they don’t mean it, it’s just the differences between the sexes becoming apparent.   Yes I know I need to get off the adolescent bridge, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it… (“He’ll be Okay” by Celia Lashlie).

No doubt when Sister of a Man-Child is older, she and I will share “girls stuff” in the same way the boys and their father share “boys stuff”.   But I also hope my daughter will maintain a special relationship with her father, and in time the boys and I will re-establish a special mother-son relationship.  I know my father enjoys great relationships with each of his daughters (he was blessed to have four of us) and we wouldn’t trade them for the world.   🙂

To read more on Man-Child books and the adolescent bridge:

https://motherofamanchild.com/2010/05/28/mother-of-a-man-child-its-a-mans-world/